Let the Years Sculpture Our Love
by Ruan Chun Xian
Summary: When you marry a prince, there was a definite possibility that one day he might become something more. Moments in the life of Yi Fei, née Fang Ci, formerly Huan Zhu Ge Ge, and Xiao Yan Zi to her friends and loved ones.
1. Morning (I)

**Let the Years Sculpture Our Love**

**Morning (I): Like a river flows surely to the sea**

* * *

_Like a river flows surely to the sea_  
_Darling so it goes_  
_Some things are meant to be_  
_So take my hand, and take my whole life too_  
_Cause I can't help falling in love with you_

– Ingrid Michaelson

* * *

Yong Qi – _Huang Shang, _Xiao Yan Zi forced herself to call him, even in her head – had worked late the night before and though he had tried to persuade her to go to bed before him, she had told him there was no point to him coming to her palace if she was going to just leave him on his own for half the night.

Shun Gong Gong seemed to have taken upon himself to let them sleep in in the morning so it was later than usual when she heard his voice rouse her from her sleep.

"Niang Niang, it's time to wake up."

"All right," she said and listened to him retreat from the room and closing the door behind him. She sat up and pushed aside the bed curtains, letting in the light, letting the drowsiness slipping away from her as she became more alert.

Yong Qi (oh, for Heaven's sake, _Huang Shang, _she should be used to this by now, it had been nearly three years) was still asleep beside her. She gently shook him.

"What time is it?" he mumbled, blearily squinting up at her in the morning light.

"Time to get up."

He groaned and made an attempt to sit up, but then only dropped his head onto her lap and closed his eyes again. She laughed softly and shook him again. "Come on, you will be late if you don't get up."

"The emperor is never late," he said sleepily.

"Well,_ I _can be, and I can't be late this morning, so up!"

He did finally get up, asking, "How could you be so awake? I feel like I've hardly slept at all."

"I wasn't up half the night trying to prevent a war," she said dryly. She leaned and softly kissed him, which made him smile. He would have deepened the kiss but she pulled away. "No, no, if you start, we'll never get out of bed."

He gave her a smirk that plainly told her that wasn't a bad idea at all, but she just rolled her eyes. Any other day, she could allow them the indulgence, but today wasn't the time.

They got dressed and he lingered over the skin of her back when he helped her tie her bellyband around her neck as she held her hair in front of her. He then placed a gentle kiss on her shoulder and buried his face in the curve of her neck. She shivered at the pleasure of the touch and only reluctantly pulled away, turning around.

"Are you _trying _to drive me mad for the rest of the day?" she asked playfully.

"I'll make it up to you, I promise," he said, smiling.

"When?" she asked listlessly, startled at her own change in mood."Certainly not tonight."

He frowned in confusion for a moment. She sighed. "Xiang Gui Ren," she reminded him softly.

"What?"

"She's coming today, remember?"

"Right." For a moment, he was thrown off by the realisation. "I forgot."

"_Of course_."

She supposed she couldn't blame him for pushing the idea out of his mind. She would do it if she could. But it was easier for him than it was for her. Unfortunately, the addition to the inner court was not something that anyone let her forget.

She gave him a smile that she was sure he saw through, because he pulled her to him again. "I love you," he whispered in her ears, desperate and earnest.

A rush of emotions coursed through her so suddenly that she found her lower lip trembling and had to bite down on it to stop the tears that would come. "I know," she said, burying her face in the warmth of his arms. "You don't have to remind me so often." Though, the truth was, she was glad he did.

"Yes, I do," he said, pressing a kiss against her hair. "If we are going to do this, I can never afford to lose sight of you, of _us, _I can never have you doubt my feelings for you. I need you too much, I depend on you too much now for something like doubt to come between us again."

She pulled away and placed a hand against his cheek, giving him a watery smile. "Don't mind my moods and think that I somehow forgot how much you love me. It's just self-pity and silliness that cause them. I should be used to this feeling by now."

"No, you shouldn't," he said firmly. "Because if you could get too comfortable with the idea, it would mean that you loved me a little less. And I am terrified of when that day comes."

"Oh my love," she said, wrapping both her arms around his neck, "you must know by now that it won't."

"Do I?" he asked her in a tone that told her that his fear was very real. "All the things I promised you once, I never could give you now. I cannot expect you to stay."

"But here I am anyway," she whispered.

"And for that, I am grateful. Every single day."

He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers in a kiss that was tender, loving and yet containing a passion that threatened to overwhelm her. His hand slipped to the small of her back and pulled her in, pressed against the warmth of his body, and for a moment, she allowed herself to be surrendered to his love.

"I love you," he said again, pulling only slightly away from her, so that she could still feel his breath on her cheek. He had brought up a hand and was stroking the soft skin where her neck met her collarbone. "You are wonderful and I will never cherish anything so much as I cherish the day I met you."

"I know," she whispered, closing her eyes for a moment and resting her head against his shoulder.

It was ironic how it was the presence of other women that allowed her to no longer doubt this, to believe so whole-heartedly that he was sincere.

Moments like this reminded her of something Ling Fei said to her and Zi Wei once – that what a woman needed was not to be unforgettable to a man's heart, but to be irreplaceable. Back then, she was too angry at Huang Ah Ma, too young, too naïve of the ways of the imperial harem to understand what those words meant. Now, she understood it all: the words and the desperate love and pain that hid under those words. She was grateful that, to his heart, she was not only unforgettable and irreplaceable, but she was the one and only, and that he took pains to reassure her of that, every single day.

The warmth and comfort of their embrace was interrupted by a soft knock on the door, reminding them that they still had the day to get started on. Swiftly, they got dressed and she opened the door to let in the servants with the wash water. As soon as that was done, she would have to let him go, and somehow it was more difficult that morning than in other mornings. He understood, however, and took her hands, pressed kisses on both palms and whispered goodbye before walking out of the room. She held back the slightly melancholy sigh until he had disappeared down the hallway and she heard Shun Gong Gong announcing his departure.

Ming Yue and Cai Xia slipped into the room quietly as she sat down at her dressing table.

"Niang Niang," Cai Xia said, "seeing as there will be someone new today, I think you should look your finest and most stately. After all, the new mistress should be aware of your position."

Xiao Yan Zi gave her assent.

In her younger years, when she first came into the palace, she indulged in the nice clothes that her new life offered, but hated what she perceived as display of vanity in the effort of dolling yourself up in make-up and over-complicated hair-dos. Eventually, she came to understand that she moved in a circle where looks mattered (and sometimes it was the only thing that mattered), and that people would judge and change the way they treat you depending on what you wear and how you look. The make-up and the pageantry was not so much a personal preference as a costume, a mask for the part that you were to play. The clothes, the make-up, the jewels, jade and hairpins were all a woman's arsenal, a statement of power and strength, as powerful as her sword. She had learnt to adapt her choice of weapon for the battle that she did not wish to take part in but was in by default regardless.

So she allowed Ming Yue and Cai Xia to dress her in the best Suzhou silk the palace had to offer in colours that flattered her natural beauty. She did not protest against the lipstick and rouge and let them weave the jade and kingfisher-feather hairpins in her headdress.

When Ming Yue and Cai Xia declared themselves pleased with their handiwork, they made their way to Huang Hou's Jing Ren Gong.

* * *

If Huang Shang held court over his officials every morning, so did Huang Hou with the ladies of the inner palace. As a princess, very much spoiled by Huang Ah Ma, she got away with the morning greeting rituals then, but no longer could now, not when the entire inner palace was looking towards her, and the concubines came to Jing Ren Gong each morning to pay respects to _her _as much as to to Huang Hou.

By the time she arrived, most of them were there already. At the doorway, she braced herself and plastered at vague smile on her face before entering the room, heading towards Huang Hou sitting in her throne at the head of the room. As usual, she had to fight to not feel discomposed by every other person in the room except Huang Hou standing up and curtsying to her.

"Huang Hou Niang Niang ji xiang," she said, glancing up with a less plastic smile.

"Rise," Huang Hou said in her usual calm voice, but Xiao Yan Zi knew there was warmth there that would not be present when she spoke to the room at large.

She rose and received the chorus of "Yi Fei (怡妃) Niang Niang ji xiang" from everyone else in the room. She walked to her chair, opposite where Wen Fei (文妃) was holding her curtsy. Xiao Yan Zi dipped her knees slightly in greeting, which on made Wen Fei sink slightly lower still. She held back a sigh. An antagonistic Zhi Hua she could take, but one who was so obviously going out of her way to make amends was quite…unsettling. But Xiao Yan Zi could not ignore or otherwise refuse to greet her now, it would be looked upon as impolite. Just because Zhi Hua went out of her way to defer to her now didn't change the fact that they were still of the same rank and Zhi Hua must be afforded the respect due to the mother to Huang Shang's eldest son (_eldest _living_ son _was always the reminder after such thought and it never failed to make her heart ache).

"You may rise," she said to the room and sat down, nodding to Zhi Hua who now stood before her. They all waited for her to sit before sitting down themselves.

After three years, the entire ritual still seemed so very wearying.

(Eighteen-year-old Xiao Yan Zi would have laughed at this scene.)

What followed were general enquiries after Huang Hou's health, inane gossip and flattery of women who were forced to keep company with each other while also competing with each other. Xiao Yan Zi tried not to tune out, in case someone would speak to her, and forced herself to listen to what Huang Hou was saying.

If Xiao Yan Zi ever made plans for her life, the plans would not have consisted of this. When she married Yong Qi (for that was who he was then, and if she was truthful, now, still, to her), she never considered what would happen to her once he became emperor, even though she had known in the back of her mind that it was a very real possibility. In retrospect, perhaps the lack of consideration for her own future status was not so much innocent lack of mercenary incentives as Xiao Yan Zi being foolish. Love, of course, was all well and good as a foundation for their marriage, but to ignore his position was probably not the wisest thing to do.

Even when Zhi Hua – Wen Fei, now – came into the picture, they were more caught up in the reason that brought her to their lives. When it became clear that Yong Qi was walking around with the role of a crown prince without the actual title, it dawned on everyone that neither of his wives would suit fit the bill for the position of Empress that would eventually need to be filled. When Zhi Hua married him, Xiao Yan Zi knew Lao Fo Ye more or less promised her the position of Empress one day, but by the time it became an issue, the tension between her and Xiao Yan Zi was such that Yong Qi was too wary to even consider Zhi Hua. Lao Fo Ye, as it turned out, was not so devoted to Zhi Hua that she could not bring herself to consider an alternative. Make that a Manchurian-born alternative.

Zhu Ying was pretty, demure, modest, educated, and of the Manchurian Tongjia clan which had provided the Emperor Kang Xi with no less than two empresses. To Qian Long and Lao Fo Ye, she was the model future empress. To Yong Qi, by that time he had made peace with the destiny that he was heading towards, and simply saw the marriage and anything else that might follow as the necessary…not _evil, _exactly, but _baggage _that came with that destiny. Xiao Yan Zi then wished that she was still childish enough to allow herself to indulge in a temper tantrum. But she had endured Zhi Hua, and accepted Mian Yi with a heavy heart, throwing a fit then seemed so very pointless.

(Sometimes she wondered whether this marriage to Zhu Ying, too, was another sacrifice she was making for her brother's life and happiness. Lao Fo Ye's health was failing rapidly by the time the idea of Zhu Ying was brought forwards, and by then, Xiao Jian and Qing Er were still unwed. Lao Fo Ye, by now, was desperate enough to see Qing Er married and settled before she died that she no long objected to the idea of Xiao Jian. But she wasn't above holding out her permission and blessing as a bargaining piece to pressure both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi into considering Zhu Ying, either.)

Xiao Yan Zi expected to grit her teeth a lot around this woman, who was suddenly now in a position of authority over her, and that authority would only one day increase. She had expected…well, all the stereotypical bullying of a principal wife over one who was in a lower position, but more favoured by the man they both called husband. Heaven helped her if she was expected to be subtle and delicate in her dealings with this woman, because those were two words never associated with Xiao Yan Zi.

It turned out, apparently Zhu Ying wanted the marriage as much as Yong Qi wanted it. For the first few months, she showed no sign of interest in keeping Yong Qi to herself and was unfailingly (and sincerely) polite to both Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua, which Xiao Yan Zi found even harder to deal with than if they had been involved in some struggling for his attention. It all made sense, though, when they found out that she had been in love with a man who had since died. She married Yong Qi on the command of her family and Lao Fo Ye alone and could not care less about who Yong Qi loved or paid attentionto.

Oddly, they became friends. Sometimes, looking back, Xiao Yan Zi could not understand how it had happened. She came to realise that Zhu Ying was kind-hearted and had a keen sense of humour, which Xiao Yan Zi appreciated. Over the years, somehow Zhu Ying had become fonder of Xiao Yan Zi than she was of Yong Qi, though the relations between them were amicable enough. Both were glad that they did not expect anything from each other – or, to put it another way, they both wanted the same thing from each other.

Now, Xiao Yan Zi appreciated Zhu Ying's support and could be comforted in the fact that between her and Yong Qi, her position and status was secure enough to protect her from any malice from the other women. It wasn't that she couldn't protect herself if it had to come down to it, but Xiao Yan Zi was terrified of trekking too deep into that fight. It would be a fight that would force her to lose herself and to come up permanently altered and scarred.

Yong Qi even admitted that Zhu Ying's neutrality in the struggle of the inner court made life much less complicated than it would otherwise be for him. In the eyes of the court and the public, she was a good and benevolent empress. She was born, raised and trained for positions like this, and was competent at it, which meant that Yong Qi had little to worry about when it came to issues in the inner court. That she kept Xiao Yan Zi safe was also a bonus.

* * *

_JustWannaBeAnonymous once (a long, long time ago…) asked for a story where Yong Qi becomes Emperor. To be honest I've always hesitated writing this for reasons that basically sum up to: no one in their right mind would make Xiao Yan Zi empress (not even Yong Qi, not even with my fanfic Xiao Yan Zi who is arguably less of a brat than in HZGGII; Xiao Yan Zi would loath it; as popular as she can be, realistically the officials who are nosy old men would go up in arms against the idea for oh, so, so many reasons). So, I would have to have someone else as empress over Xiao Yan Zi, and it makes me uncomfortable to put Zhi Hua in that position. _

_But I have to admit I have thought about it. Too much. The general ideas might have been born as early as writing Unfogging the Past so some of this might sound familiar. If there are echoes to The Legend of Zhen Huan then I can only say I've been rewatching it too many times. _

_Twisting of historical timelines is a must, since the real Qian Long lived so long. Miscarriages and infant mortality rates were sky high back then and I will include it as appropriate. Also, I want to write these characters as products of their time, so as much as HZGG would like to think that it is possible for Yong Qi to remain monogamous, it is not, not especially when you put him on the throne. It would be extremely foolish and stupid of him to be, then. _

_This will be another mini-thing like No Good Deeds Goes Unpunished._

_Here's a timeline, with the first number being Xiao Yan Zi's age, in bracket is reign years._

_18 (QL25): HZGGI_

_19 (QL26): HZGGII_

_20 (2nd month QL27): Wedding_

_20 (11th month QL27): **Zhuang Nan** born to Xiao Yan Zi_

_21 (QL28): Lao Fo Ye discovers the truth about Fang Zhi Hang; Xiao Yan Zi miscarries a second child; Yong Qi marries Zhi Hua to save Xiao Jian's life_

_22 (QL29): **Mian Zhang** born to Xiao Yan Zi_

_23 (QL30): **Mian Yi** born to Zhi Hua; the secret of Xiao Yan Zi's family is revealed to Qian Long, who eventually overlook it; Xiao Jian and Qing Er marry, move to Dali_

_24 (QL31): Yong Qi marries Zhu Ying of the Tongjia clan; Mian Zhang dies of illness; Xiao Yan Zi is pregnant at the time, but miscarries from the shock_

_25 (QL32-YQ0): Lao Fo Ye dies; Qian Long dies, succeeded by Yong Qi; late in the year, **Mian Ren** born to Xiao Yan Zi_

_26 (YQ1): First year of Emperor Rong Jing; Zhu Ying is instated as Empress_

_27 (YQ2): First round of imperial concubine selection; **Mian Xuan** born to Xiao Yan Zi_

_28 (YQ3): Now. **Zhuang Jing** born to He Gui Ren; Xiang Gui Ren of the Fucha clan enters the palace_


	2. Morning (II)

**Let the Years Sculpture Our Love**

**Morning (II): That's not how you find it**

* * *

_Do you get, do you get a little kick  
Out of being small minded?  
You want to be like your father  
It's approval you're after  
Well, that's not how you find it_

– Lily Allen

* * *

The conversation was nothing new, but Xiao Yan Zi could sense a shiver of anticipation in the room that day. They were all waiting for the new arrival in the form of Xiang Gui Ren of the Fucha clan.

Her father was a general stationed in Yunnan and to reward his good work, Huang Shang had bestowed the title upon his daughter. It did not overly surprise Xiao Yan Zi, and if she was bothered, she told herself that she should just accept that this was necessary. If the addition of other ladies were unavoidable, Yong Qi had decided that they served political purposes as well. It was no wonder, then, that when the palace held the first concubine selection round of the new emperor's reign, the girls chosen were from prominent families with power in the political court, ones who Huang Shang needed support from.

If it was heartless because some of these girls when they entered the palace were so very young, starry-eyed and with all the naïve, romantic notions of life in the palace, then Xiao Yan Zi had managed to convince herself that it was a necessary evil of his position. The good that he would do for the country and its people would far outweigh the emotional struggles of girls who were born to be pawns in the political game anyway, regardless of whether they came into the palace or married someone else.

(She was glad, though, that he had taken pains to tell Huang Hou to find out and eliminate girls who expressly did not wish to enter the palace, or whose hearts were otherwise occupied. Strangely enough, the number who _did _wish to enter the palace to be an imperial concubine was much more overwhelming.)

Of the ones who were chosen, Xiao Yan Zi only hoped that they could exist together with minimal conflict. Years of rubbing against Zhi Hua the wrong way had made her so tired of being always on edge, of the constant tension and unease. It was different now than before though. Now, she had status over them all, and they all deferred to her; he would not allow them to be any different. It was a blessing she never thought she'd feel and appreciate.

Now, Xiao Yan Zi looked around and caught sight of Shen Chang Zai sitting a couple of chairs down from her, looking pale and drawn still. She was one of the couple that Xiao Yan Zi had gotten to know and actually liked. Shen Yi Ling was so kind, good and pure that she reminded Xiao Yan Zi in so many ways of Zi Wei. She was so incredibly shy that at first Xiao Yan Zi was afraid that Yi Ling was terrified of her. Now, she looked up to Xiao Yan Zi as a sister and Xiao Yan Zi could not help but be fond of this innocent soul who depended on her for protection because left alone, she would probably most definitely be bullied by the other, more ambitious concubines.

It would seem quite perverse, then, that it was because of this that Shen Chang Zai received more favours from the emperor. Xiao Yan Zi would be jealous if she could bring herself to be, but the truth was, she knew too well that though Yong Qi was fond of Yi Ling, because she was kind and gentle, and if truth be told, the least fawning of them all, he was not in love with her. And, if any of them were to be promoted in ranks closer to hers, as it would be inevitable, Xiao Yan Zi would rather it were ones that she got along with and who would not be plotting her death.

* * *

Aside from herself, Huang Hou and Wen Fei, the other girls had all come into the palace at the same time, and now the first arrival of a single new person was causing a mixture of excitement and wariness in the ladies of the room. Huang Hou, on the other hand, was calm, and Xiao Yan Zi admitted she was at least slightly curious. Wen Fei was unreadable, and before, Xiao Yan Zi would have bet that she felt disturbed and displeased, but now, Xiao Yan Zi no longer knew how to judge Zhi Hua's feelings. As rocky as their relationship had always been, she always thought she had learnt to understand Zhi Hua's feelings fairly well, but the change in her in the last year was unsettling to the point of being alarming.

When the eunuch outside announced the arrival of Xiang Gui Ren, it was as if everyone in the room was holding their breath and turned their eyes towards the door.

A young girl of sixteen, slender and willowy even in her long gown and flower-pot shoes gracefully glided into the room, before stopping in the middle and sinking down into a low curtsy.

"Fucha Wan Yun pays respect to Huang Hou Niang Niang, may the Heaven bestow health and happiness to Huang Hou Niang Niang. Wan Yun pays respect to her new sisters. Wan Yun is young and stupid and hope to be able to receive instructions and many lessons from her new sisters."

"Raise your head," Huang Hou said.

Her face was almost too sharp to be attractive, if it was not for her porcelain complexion and the light, perhaps natural, blush that streaked across her cheeks that gave her a look of delicate beauty. Soft eyebrows arched gracefully over almost feline eyes, a deepest black, and long lashes brushed her cheeks every time she blinked. Her lips, coloured a deepest red, were plump and luscious, and on those lips was a confident, almost arrogant smile. Her hair was swept up in a way that emphasised the elegance of her neck, even when partly covered by the high collar of her gown. Xiao Yan Zi imagined her hair would fall in a thick, dark river down her back if it was let down.

Xiao Yan Zi supposed that she could not have expected anything less than a beauty. She looked at Fucha Wan Yun and could almost start picking out the features that he might find attractive, but then, that was much too disturbing to consider.

She looked to Huang Hou instead; Huang Hou was nodding in satisfaction before gesturing for Xiang Gui Ren to stand up. "You may rise."

She rose with a confidence beyond her years and stood there, elegant as a painting.

Huang Hou turned to her head eunuch, Xie Yuan, and asked him to introduce Xiang Gui Ren to everyone in the room so that she might greet them individually.

Xie Yuan stepped forward and bowed to her. Then, gesturing to Xiao Yan Zi first, he said, "Xiang Gui Ren, this is Yi Fei Niang Niang, of Cheng Qian Gong. Please pay your respect."

The most extraordinary thing happened, and Xiao Yan Zi wondered whether she should have seen it coming. The girl gave Xiao Yan Zi a searching look, smirked, then turned her head away in disdain. Xiao Yan Zi nearly laughed at the obvious snub, because if older, the look would probably have been imposing. As it was, she only managed to look young and arrogant. Huang Hou raised an eyebrow at the girl's audacity and from all around them, the humming of shocked gasps and whispers rose like the sound of leaves rustling in the spring breeze.

Xie Yuan was flummoxed for a moment and blinked at the new concubine, before repeating his introduction pointedly. The girl remained silent still.

This time, Xiao Yan Zi let herself smile in irony. She supposed this might be some strange kind of karma.

She was pleased that her smile apparently discomposed the girl because she scowled. The scowl did not last long, because Fucha Wan Yun soon realised what she was doing and immediately schooled her feature to neutral again.

Huang Hou was either too shocked or too curious at the startling behavior because she did not say anything yet, and poor Xie Yuan looked lost, not knowing how he should persuade this new mistress to observe the necessary etiquette.

Xiang Gui Ren turned directly in the opposite direction of Xiao Yan Zi, to face Wen Fei instead, which meant that she turned her back directly towards Xiao Yan Zi. She nearly laughed at the too obvious attempt at making her point.

"If _that _is Yi Fei, then Jiejie must be Wen Fei Niang Niang," she said to Zhi Hua, and began to sink down into a curtsy. But Zhi Hua had fairly leapt out of her seat to a standing position and out of the receiving way of Fucha Wan Yun's curtsy.

"Meimei, you have not greeted Yi Fei Niang Niang," Zhi Hua said with a barely concealed frown of disapproval, looking towards Huang Hou for help. By now, Xiao Yan Zi was sure that Huang Hou was curious because still she did not say anything and just waited for Xiang Gui Ren's answer. Xiao Yan Zi did not waste time in being offended. Rather, if anything, she was looking forward to the drama that was sure to unfold.

"No, I have not," Xiang Gui Ren said, as if that was all right.

"Huang Hou Niang Niang, Yi Fei Niang Niang," Zhi Hua said breathlessly, kneeling down, "I would like to apologise for Xiang Meimei, especially to you, Yi Jiejie. I hope you forgive her and her youth and lack of understanding can only be an excuse. I cannot receive Meimei's greeting when Jiejie has not."

When, for a beat, Xiang Gui Ren still said nothing, Huang Hou finally spoke. Her words were simple and her tone calm, but there was a hint of a warning in it that no one missed. "Xiang Gui Ren, pay respects to Yi Fei."

Nothing.

By now, even Xiao Yan Zi was disturbed, not by the girl's apparent grudge (or whatever it was) against herself, but the fact that she would not obey even Huang Hou.

Wen Fei by now had risen up and faced Xiang Gui Ren. She spoke in her most imperious tone, "Meimei, I would advise you to not shame your family and the education you undoubtedly have received. You asked your sisters for instructions just now and this is it. You will pay your respects to Yi Fei Niang Niang before anyone else. In this room, Yi Fei Niang Niang ranks lower than none except Huang Hou Niang Niang herself."

Truth be told, Xiao Yan Zi was more surprised by Zhi Hua's speech than the girl's lack of response. By now, everyone in the room was looking around nervously and restlessly, not knowing what to make of Xiang Gui Ren's behaviour.

"All right, all right," Xiao Yan Zi finally spoke up, not sure whether she wished to spare herself or the girl from this farce. "If Meimei does not wish to greet me, for whatever reason, for the sake of convenience, I will gladly let it go. Wen Meimei, thank you for speaking on my behalf, but you should just receive her greeting and have it over with."

For a second, there was a triumphant smirk on Fucha Wan Yun's face, before Huang Hou spoke. "No. Yi Meimei, you are wrong. You are a fei, she is a gui ren, she _must _pay her respect to you. It is not a matter of whether she wishes to or not. Rules and etiquettes are not invented to be either of your inconvenience. Xiang Gui Ren, pay your respects to Yi Fei, _now_."

"Addressing Huang Hou Niang Niang, I cannot," she said, turning around to face Huang Hou.

"Why not?" Huang Hou demanded.

"My father is a greatly respected general who has done great for this country, and bears Huang Shang's own honours and favours. Who is _her_ family that I must lower myself to her?"

The collective shocked gasp rang around the room. Xiao Yan Zi, for the first time, felt the twinge of annoyance and scowled. So that was what this was about. She said nothing, however, because aside from Zhi Hua, no one in the room knew the whole truth about her family. Even Huang Hou only knew some. She knew others both in the outer and inner court still wondered at her past, and how someone without any connection or any origins at all to speak of, should rise so high in the inner court. It was something that she would be glad to let people wonder at and not get into. It was not that she was in any danger now of losing her life if the truth did somehow come out, but she would rather everyone else kept the fantasy that somehow she might still be the daughter of a great duke.

"Your father's merits are great," Zhi Hua said disdainfully, "but they do not pass over to you automatically. Yi Fei Niang Niang has served Huang Shang longer than any of us here, even Huang Hou Niang Niang, and of the five princes and princesses, three are Yi Fei Niang Niang's children. Her service and merits to Huang Shang and to the Crown are great, and you will acknowledge them as such."

Fucha Wan Yun pursed her lips and turned away.

"We'll see how much favours and honours _you _receive, Meimei, when Huang Shang hears of this," one of the others, He Gui Ren, chimed in.

"Xiang Gui Ren, kneel down, now!" Huang Hou snapped, her patience having ran out. The room suddenly became very silent.

Xiang Gui Ren, as it was, was apparently not foolish enough to ignore such a direct command and did kneel down. Beside her, Zhi Hua slowly sat down in her seat.

"You are now in the imperial palace, not your mother's sewing room. If you wish to live here, to take full responsibility for the title that has been bestowed on you, then you will do everything that is required of you this morning. This is not a game, nor is it a situation where you can use your _father _to threaten anyone. Your father holds command over thousands of men, do you believe he would take well to the crime of insubordination from his soldiers? You cannot think he would intervene on your behalf on such a matter as this. You might have forgotten how to properly greet your imperial sisters, so I will get my maid Jiu Zhu to demonstrate. Jiu Zhu!"

Jiu Zhu stepped forward. "Show Xiang Gui Ren how to properly greet Yi Fei Niang Niang."

Jiu Zhu curtsied slightly to Huang Hou, then to Xiang Gui Ren, said, "Xiang Gui Ren, please observe," before moving to stand in front of Xiao Yan Zi's chair. Xiao Yan Zi bit back a sigh but she knew that this display was necessary, after everything that had gone on so far. Jiu Zhu knelt and said in a clear voice, "I, Xiang Gui Ren of the Fucha clan, pays respects to Yi Fei Niang Niang. Yi Fei Niang Niang ji xiang."

"Xiang Gui Ren," Huang Hou said imperiously when Jiu Zhu had moved away, "go on."

The girl apparently has by now understood that she would not get away with this, so she knelt down, looking and sounding like she was forced at knife point (which, in a way, she was), intoned the words. The motions were there, but the grace certainly was not, but by then, it didn't really matter anyway.

The rest of the ceremony was decidedly unpleasant, and as soon as Xiang Gui Ren has greeted everyone (without any further glitch), Huang Hou quickly dismissed them all except Xiao Yan Zi.

"What on earth was that?" Huang Hou asked, bewildered, when everyone else had left. "I can't even – "

Xiao Yan Zi could not help laughing, because overall, it was still too silly a thing to get angry over.

"Jiejie, considering how, at her age, I threw shoes into the late Emperor's face, rocks at the current Emperor, and tried to drown the then Empress in bath water, that was almost tame. I'm not bothered, honestly."

"It's not a matter of whether you mind or not," Huang Hou said, frowning. "It's the principle of things. You cannot allow her to treat you thus, not when it would be bad example for the others."

Xiao Yan Zi sighed and nodded, knowing it was pointless to argue this with her.

"In any case, I should think she'll change her tune soon enough when Huang Shang hears about this. She'll be lucky if he'll let her meet him then."

"Please don't tell him!" Xiao Yan Zi said.

"Meimei – "

"Jiejie, Huang Shang has enough to worry about now without thinking about trivial things like this. Besides, I think with that attitude, she won't make many friends in the palace as it is. Let's just let this go."

"You want to let this go? She just insulted you to everyone!"

"Jiejie, I should think my self-esteem or reputation isn't so weak as to be tarnished by that," Xiao Yan Zi said, smiling. "And I think…if that is what she is like, you probably don't have to say anything to Huang Shang. If he speaks to her, he'll see it himself and then she can't accuse anyone of bad-mouthing her to him."

Huang Hou raised an eyebrow but Xiao Yan Zi knew she saw her point.

"To be honest…I am more confused about Wen Fei," Xiao Yan Zi admitted.

To that, Huang Hou chuckled. "Yes, well, I think we agree that that was unexpected, though not as shocking to me as it apparently was for you."

"No?"

"You did save her child's life. Not many would do so much in your position, especially when there is as much uncomfortable history as between you and Wen Fei."

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. It was a somewhat old argument.

A year ago, Huang Shang, Huang Hou and Wen Fei all had various reasons to be out of the palace when Wen Fei's son, Er Ah Ge Mian Yi became ill. Xiao Yan Zi had therefore gone to visit him at Zhi Hua's Yong Shou Gong when it became clear that he had come down with smallpox. Since Xiao Yan Zi had already been exposed to it, the physicians had deemed it too dangerous for her to return to her own palace before the illness was cleared, because there was a risk of giving it to her own children. She was, therefore, quarantined at Yong Shou Gong with the child fordays. By the end of it all, there was a collective agreement among the physicians that it was due to Xiao Yan Zi's dedication and efforts, staying up nights to care for Mian Yi that the child managed to live through it at all.

To say that Zhi Hua was grateful and shamed would probably be an understatement.

"Jiejie, the child is Huang Shang's, even if I could care nothing for him, and cared nothing for Chen Zhi Hua. What else was I supposed to do? I didn't think about it like that, I just couldn't – "

"I know," Huang Hou said gently. "And it is this kindness that is the main reason everyone who loves you love you so much, especially Huang Shang. Even if you would not take credit for it, Wen Fei could not fail to be grateful, and you should be glad that she has conscience enough to feel that. Surely you can't be unhappy that she has been less confrontational to you ever since."

"Yes, less confrontational, but I didn't think it would lead to this!"

"Is it a bad thing?"

"Well, no," she said hesitantly. "But we've never – I mean, I don't know how to deal with Zhi Hua when she's like this. She's never been…_nice _to me, ever."

"Be glad that she is," Huang Hou said. "Huang Shang would never let her lord over you, either in spirit or in position, but if you ask me, the more peaceful existence between the two of you this last year has been a lot less stress to me compared to before, when I feel like every time the two of you are together, I'm bracing to mediate an argument."

"I am sorry if it was that uncomfortable for you."

"Not as uncomfortable, I am sure, as it was for Huang Shang, but I suppose that is a different matter altogether. Now, I think you should just take it all in the spirit that it is given."

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi had just arrived back at Cheng Qian Gong when the arrival of Wen Fei was announced. She wasn't sure whether she should be wary at what would likely have been very careful calculation on Wei Fei's part to know when she was likely to leave Jing Ren Gong.

"Jiejie ji xiang," Wen Fei greeted her.

For a moment, Xiao Yan Zi looked at her. Before, Zhi Hua had always played the part of lower rank, always deferring to Xiao Yan Zi and calling her Jiejie but she knew it had all been a show. In the past year, however, it seemed that the show had somehow ceased, and her deferral was a sincere gesture. If even Zhi Hua had ceased to be churlish in their relationship, Xiao Yan Zi wished to be civil, as well, but it always felt like she was waiting for the second shoe to drop.

Belatedly, she realised that she was simply staring at Zhi Hua and not giving her any indication to rise, which Zhi Hua did not do without her leave. (That was different from before, too.) Only a slight nudge from Ming Yue reminded her to clear her throat and said, "Meimei, please rise. There is no need to observe so much ceremony."

The truth was, Xiao Yan Zi no longer remembered when she herself started calling Zhi Hua _Meimei_ either. Before, it was _Zhi Hua_, then _Wen Fei_.

"I hope I am not disturbing Jiejie," Zhi Hua said as Xiao Yan Zi invited her to sit down.

"No, not at all."

The effortful politeness was, truthfully, very wearying, but Zhi Hua was just _trying _so hard that Xiao Yan Zi could not bring herself to do any different.

"I just wanted to tell Jiejie, to make sure Jiejie knows, that everything I said today at Jing Ren Gong was sincere. I didn't want Jiejie to think that it was all lip-service."

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. It was because she was sure Zhi Hua was sincere that made the entire concept that much harder to grasp.

"I know," she answered. "Believe it or not, I could tell the depth of your sincerity before, too."

Too late, she wondered whether that comment was too frank. Zhi Hua only looked shamed, however.

"Jiejie has every right to censure my behaviour before. But I have had to do a lot of self-reflection ever since Jiejie saved Er Ah Ge's life and even more when Shen Chang Zai recently lost her child. I am ashamed to admit that I have never treated Jiejie right. You just know by now that all those years ago, when I first overheard the story of your family's past, all that happened after were my suggestions made to Lao Fo Ye."

Xiao Yan Zi pursed her lips and remained silent. She would much rather not revisit this part of their lives and relationship.

Zhi Hua actually rose and knelt down in front of her, and though Xiao Yan Zi tried to get her to stand up, she did not.

"I know… I know I bring Jiejie pain to speak of it, and perhaps it is much too late, but I feel I have done you such great wrong that I don't hope to be able to beg for your forgiveness. It was, after all, I who suggested to Lao Fo Ye to sedate you all to lock you up and find out more details, causing you to miscarry then. Marrying Huang Shang then in exchange for your brother's life was also my idea. I realise now that I have always tried to steal from Jiejie, always tried to bully Jiejie, rejoiced when Jiejie lost Da Ah Ge – "

"_All right, _you don't have to continue listing what you perceive as your crimes anymore," Xiao Yan Zi said sharply, but not unkindly, all the while pushing firmly aside the pain at the mention of her son. "Besides, if you think that in those years, I was stoically thinking charitable thoughts of you, then you are wrong. Neither of us got off on the right foot with each other. Let's just leave the past be, shall we? Will you please stand up now?"

"Zhi Hua will not stand until everything has been said. I have never treated Jiejie well, but if it was not for Jiejie, my son would not be here today. Everything I have now is due to Jiejie's goodness. If you had not stayed up nights taking care of Er Ah Ge, he would not have lived. I know it was never for me. I know it was Jiejie's love for Huang Shang that allowed you to do this, and I have always been jealous of that love, but I cannot any longer. I can only be grateful. This whole life, I will never be able to repay Jiejie this debt. I just want Jiejie to know that you do not have to worry about me anymore. I will not be trying to fight for what is not mine any longer. I hope Jiejie really believes me."

"_I believe you_, now please stand up. It would not do for people to see this."

She did stand this time.

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. She supposed she and Zhi Hua would never be friends, not like with Huang Hou, and even less like her and Zi Wei, but now at least they could just exist together. Zhi Hua must accept by now that Yong Qi's heart was not a prize she could take or win. She was glad that Zhi Hua had become so mellow, especially when she was still, basically, in the same rank as Xiao Yan Zi. In some way, Zhi Hua's position was even slightly higher still, as long as her son remained Huang Shang's eldest. Xiao Yan Zi thought that as long as Zhi Hua's position was secure, as long as Er Ah Ge lived, she no longer had much reason to get into a power struggle with Xiao Yan Zi, especially when it would be clear now to Zhi Hua that Huang Shang could now freely put Xiao Yan Zi in a status that was high enough to protect her. There could be peace between them, she supposed, while the princes were young enough for the throne to be a non-issue (and then that was another issue altogether that she would much rather not think about).

"I should thank you for your support today with Xiang Gui Ren," Xiao Yan Zi said slowly.

"Xiang Gui Ren is…" Zhi Hua trailed off, apparently not know how to take her either. "Who does she think she is?"

"Yes, well, it is of little importance to me. I hope you will not be too uncomfortable with her impertinence, as it would be sure to continue, in the future."

Zhi Hua sighed. "Huang Shang would hardly tolerate her insolence to you," she said but there was no longer the trace of jealousy that Xiao Yan Zi was used to. "And she will have to learn, as I have done, that snubbing Jiejie will be the least wise course of action she could take to get Huang Shang's attention."

Xiao Yan Zi smiled wryly, but then said to Zhi Hua earnestly, "I hope you would not say anything to Huang Shang. As unlikely as it is, I do understand that what her father does is important, and that she is important to keeping her father happy."

"So you would push Huang Shang into her arms when she already insults you?"

"I think that turn of phrase is a bit overdramatic. I merely meant that I would not want to drive a wedge between her and Huang Shang so immediately. As I said to Huang Hou already, I would simply prefer for Huang Shang to learn that he does not like her on his own."

"And you are sure Huang Shang would not like her? She is very pretty."

Xiao Yan Zi gave her a sardonic look. If it was only as simple as that, their own relationship would never have been so complicated.

Zhi Hua smiled wryly, "Though I suppose this is Huang Shang we're talking about. Her looks won't matter."

"Not if he actually…well, _spoke _to her, then no, her looks won't matter," Xiao Yan Zi agreed.

"Poor girl," Zhi Hua said with a laugh. "She has no idea what she is getting into, crossing you."

Xiao Yan Zi thought, that she ended up sharing this joke with Zhi Hua was probably the most bizarre thing to happen of this already very bizarre day.

* * *

_Note: At any given time, there could be: 1 Huang Hou, 1 Huang Gui Fei, 2 Gui Fei, 4 Fei, 6 Pin, as many as possible/desired Gui Ren - Chang Zai - Da Ying._

_PS: I'm sorry if this story in any way ruins your idyllic vision of Yong Qi and Xiao Yan. Also please don't expect a lot of plot in this._


	3. Morning – Afternoon

**Let the Years Sculpture Our Love**

**Morning – Afternoon: Whenever you remember, I'll be there**

* * *

_Whenever you remember times gone by_  
_Remember how we held our heads so high_  
_When all this world was there for us_  
_And we believe that we could touch the sky_  
_Whenever you remember, I'll be there_  
_Remember how we reached that dream together_

– Carrie Underwood

(I suck at writing fluff. And I did not intend this to become so angst-filled, soap-box-y and well, generally copying a lot of things from a lot of other things.)

* * *

Wen Fei had not left long before there was another announcement from outside:

"Ming Zhu Ge Ge arrives!"

"Oh my goodness, I am _so_ glad to see you!"Xiao Yan Zi squealed as she ran to embrace Zi Wei.

They have not seen each other in nearly half a year as Yong Qi had sent Er Kang out to an assignment in the north-west and Zi Wei and the children had gone with him.

"I've missed you so much," Zi Wei said as she squeezed Xiao Yan Zi tightly.

"Missed you too," Xiao Yan Zi smiled, pulling her to sit down. "When did you arrive back?"

"Yesterday. It was late, or I would have come in and see you then."

"No, it's fine, you and the children all needed to rest. Oh, it's so good to see you."

"How are you? As well as you look, I hope?"

"Oh, you know, well enough, considering. The north-west seems to have agreed with you."

Zi Wei definitely looked brighter and more relaxed since her time away. There was much of Zi Wei's life that Xiao Yan Zi now envied, and the ability to actually _get out _was definitely one of them.

They were only afforded a few minutes for catching up among themselves, however, before a child's voice called out, "Aunty!" and they looked to the door and saw Zhuang Nan come running in from outside in her riding clothes, her nanny and an eunuch hurrying after her, looking breathless.

For the thousandth time, Xiao Yan Zi wondered if it was a good thing that her daughter apparently inherited her energy.

The child would have run into embrace Zi Wei if Xiao Yan Zi had not held her back.

"You are not going to hug Aunty when you look like you've been rolling in dirt. Go get changed!"

Zi Wei laughed as Nan Er pouted but left to change nonetheless. Xiao Yan Zi shook her head and exchanged an exasperated look with the nanny. "That girl!"

Zi Wei only laughed harder. "Oh Xiao Yan Zi, you say that all the time, but she's your favourite."

"I don't have favourites with my children," Xiao Yan Zi said, trying to sound prim. Zi Wei was not fooled.

She was, though, in a slightly heartbreaking way. For such a long time, Nan Er had been her light and consolation during a miscarriage followed by a son who did not live to see his second birthday, followed almost immediately by a second miscarriage. Nan Er became a reminder in the times when she thought she could forget that Yong Qi loved her. She was reminder that Xiao Yan Zi could do this, that she could give him children. She was a hope that Xiao Yan Zi thought, without which, she would have done numerously more stupid things in the days and months when it seemed like every happiness she ever thought she had was an illusion. Her precious little girl had made her smile in days when it seemed like nothing could be funny again, snuggled into bed with her when Mian Zhang died and she thought her heart was being ripped from her.

Now, she loved her boys, Mian Ren and Mian Xuan, with all her heart, and not only because they brought her a different sense of security. Mian Ren, especially, had been joy in possibly one of the most terrible years, a year which consisted of her brother and Qing Er moving to Dali permanently, then the deaths of Lao Fo Ye and Huang Ah Ma in the space of a few months, and the fact that their lives were all but thrown upside down. Mian Xuan came almost directly after the addition of the new concubines to the palace, and gave Xiao Yan Zi something else to focus on other than the inevitable heartbreak that she was mentally prepared for but had to feel regardless.

They were all dear to her, dearer still because she had known the pain of loss, and she would love them all until her dying breath. Her sons would take her care of her and be her security, as little as she wished to think of them that way, but Nan Er would always be her best form of comfort.

"You are right," she sighed, "I don't know what I'd ever do without her."

"Come now, why such gloomy thoughts all of a sudden?"

"Things happened," she said vaguely, not wanting to get into them all now when Nan Er would come out any moment.

"So I've heard," Zi Wei said, looking at her with worry. "Are you all right?"

"Of course," Xiao Yan Zi smiled reassuringly. "They didn't happen to me."

Zi Wei still looked worried, but couldn't say anymore as Nan Er had crashed into her arms.

"Aunty! Huang Ah Ma let me have my very own pony! She's wonderful, her name is Shadowless – "

Zi Wei burst out laughing and stroked her hair fondly. "You named your little pony after Cao Cao's horse, _really_?"

"Don't look at me, I don't know where she got the idea," Xiao Yan Zi said, smiling.

"She likes it though! And today, I – "

"Who gave you permission to go riding today anyway?" Xiao Yan Zi interrupted sternly.

Nan Er stuck out her bottom lip. "Yesterday Huang Ah Ma said I could."

"You didn't tell _me_."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry, but you were at Huang Hou Niang Niang's for so long and I wanted to go. I told Deng Gong Gong though, and I let nanny and Xiao Lin Zi come with me. So it's all good, right?"

She looked up at Xiao Yan Zi with such wide, hopeful eyes that she could only shake her head and patted her daughter's hair.

"Next time you must let Er Niang know, all right?"

"Yes, I promise."

Xiao Yan Zi smiled and brushed a kiss against her daughter's forehead. At least, the thing about Nan Er's obsession with horses was that if she ever went missing, Xiao Yan Zi always had a very good idea of where to find her.

Xiao Yan Zi knew she should probably reprimand her more for running off without permission and try to curb her over-excitable nature. Yet Nan Er was not suited to be put between four walls and stay there all day with a thread and needle. She was Xiao Yan Zi's daughter that way.

Xiao Yan Zi supposed, if she had trained the habit into her daughter from the beginning, it would somehow be bred into her, but it must be admitted that she was the least qualified person to do anything of the sort. Besides, for so long, Nan Er was their only child, both she and Yong Qi tended to overindulge her. Though she was too good-natured to allow herself to be spoiled, she was allowed to get her own way more than was wise, and any chance of shaping her into the kind of elegant, demure princess that many people probably expected was gone long ago.

It did not bother Yong Qi, but then, Xiao Yan Zi thought dryly, this was the man who voluntarily married _her. _As it was, Xiao Yan Zi would much rather her daughter grew up having known the outside of palace walls and knowing what she wanted out of life, not to be molded into a token princess. Yet at the same time, she couldn't help but be aware that there was pressure on Zhuang Nan as a princess to be ladylike, gentle and quiet. Any judgement people made of her would be a reflection of their opinion of Xiao Yan Zi's ability to bring her up 'properly'. It would not bother Xiao Yan Zi what people said of her, but she didn't think she could bear the idea of unflattering things said of her daughter.

Still, she thought, looking at her daughter talking animatedly to Zi Wei, the most important thing was that she was happy and knew she was loved. Xiao Yan Zi would never be able to take her children for granted, and they would always know that.

The sound of Mian Xuan crying from the nursery drew Xiao Yan Zi out of her thoughts. She stood up and smiled at Zi Wei and Nan Er before going in to check on her sons.

From the doorway of the nursery, she witnessed what must have been the most adorable thing ever.

Mian Xuan was sitting on the carpeted floor; he was apparently dry, fed and had his nanny around, but he was crying, which probably meant he was crying for her. Before either the child or the nanny saw Xiao Yan Zi, however, Mian Ren had toddled over to his little brother and patted his arm and said, "Don't cry, Er Niang is just outside, she'll be in with you soon."

Xiao Yan Zi wasn't sure which was more amusing and heartwarming, the fact that Mian Ren was saying in this in the solemnest tone a three-year-old could muster, or the comical grave and earnest look that he put on, and the fact that he then proceeded to hug his brother in his tiny arms and kiss his cheek.

Xiao Yan Zi chuckled and walked into the room. Mian Ren cried "Er Niang!" happily, all trace of solemnity gone, and Mian Xuan raised his arms up to her. She scooped up her younger son and sank down to the floor to kiss Mian Ren.

"Er Niang is here. Did you miss me?" she cooed and the baby laughed, though the tears were still not dry on his cheeks. Mian Ren snuggled up against her.

"Aunt Zi Wei is here, let's go say hi, shall we?"

Mian Ren nodded eagerly. Xiao Yan Zi stood up with Mian Xuan in her arms and took her Mian Ren's tiny hand in her own.

The rest of the morning was spent leisurely with Zi Wei and the children, wherein Zi Wei marveled at how much they've all grown since she saw them last, and the two boys played around on a rug on the floor and Nan Er spent most of the rest of the morning and all through lunch chattering about her new pony and all the things she'd learnt to do.

Zi Wei smiled and said, in the afternoon, when Nan Er had gone off to her lessons and the boys were napping, "You know, I wager when the time comes, the ultimate test for your future son-in-law will be that he must be able to distract the princess from her horses long enough to pay him any attention at all."

Xiao Yan Zi laughed. "I'm not sure there could be such a man."

"Or you might just have to marry her off to the Mongolian prairies where she can ride to her heart's content."

"Don't you dare curse my daughter into going so far away from me," Xiao Yan Zi said through a smile, but only half-joking.

"Don't worry," Zi Wei chuckled, "I don't think my brother could bear to send her so far away either."

"Still," Xiao Yan Zi sighed, "I wonder where the time's gone. It's like half of her time with me is gone. How is it that she's already nearly eight years old?"

"My, aren't you cheerful today," Zi Wei said. "Come on, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry," Xiao Yan Zi said, sighing, again. "I don't mean to complain on you the first day you get back. I've just _missed _you."

"And you're pregnant."

Xiao Yan Zi gaped at her for a moment, while Zi Wei just looked smug.

"Right?"

"How – I haven't told _anyone. _Well, Ming Yue and Cai Xia know. And Huang Taiyi."

"You're acting all…sentimental and weird," Zi Wei shrugged. "But it's more than just that. Something's bothering you as well."

She did not plan to pour her heart out to Zi Wei right then, as much as she'd missed Zi Wei's sensible advice and understanding. As much as she liked Huang Hou and knew that she could take her concerns to her, Zi Wei always had the better ability to understand things she could not say, because she did not know how, or did not wish to say out loud. And, clearly, as she'd just proven, Zi Wei was too adept at reading both her physical and emotional states.

"Shen Chang Zai's miscarriage was hard on everyone," she said finally.

"What happened?" Zi Wei asked softly. "I've just heard that she lost the child, but apparently there is a _how_?"

"Xin Pin – or well, Xin Da Ying now – "

"_Da Ying_?" Zi Wei gasped at the dramatic demotion, especially a first in the new reign.

"You'll see. That day, Huang Shang and Huang Hou were at the Temple of Heaven. They left early and it was a hot day, so Wen Fei and I didn't want to even bother with the morning greeting with everyone else. But apparently then-Xin Pin thought that even if we didn't want to sit around in a crowded room listening to 'how do you do' and 'how are the princes', she still deserved to have the others paying respect to her. She summoned everyone else to her place and somehow found some fault with Shen Chang Zai. And you've met Shen Yi Ling. It's probably just Yi Ling looking at her the wrong way or something. So she made Yi Ling kneel out in the sun as a punishment."

"What?" Zi Wei asked, aghast. "She was, what, five months pregnant? Was Xin Pin stupid or just insane?"

"Probably both. She had her servants forbid anyone from leaving, too, so Yi Ling's servants couldn't come get me or Wen Fei. Considering it was really hot, we both stayed in and had no idea this was going on. I only knew when Cai Xia came back from an errand, telling me that she heard some commotion in Xin Pin's place and I went to check it out. By the time we got Yi Ling back and the physician had come, though…Shen Yi Ling not pregnant wouldn't even survive half an hour kneeling in the midday sun without falling ill…"

Xiao Yan Zi trailed off and shook her head.

The most painful thing about the entire ordeal was telling Yong Qi what happened, knowing that it wasn't her fault, but that it would have been in her power to stop this but she didn't even know it was happening to stop it.

He didn't blame her, of course, but that didn't mean she didn't feel the guilt. He wasn't the one Yi Ling clutched on to and begged to persuade the physicians to save the child at her expense if need be. He didn't see the blood on her hands after she helped Yi Ling into bed, looking still so much like a child, barely a woman at all in that moment. He suffered the loss and she comforted him, but hid the horror of what she saw because she couldn't bear to hurt him even more.

"She was pregnant, and Xin Pin punished her by making her kneel in the sun? Did she have a death wish?" Zi Wei asked, still in disbelief.

"Well, you won't believe what her explanation for the whole thing is."

"What?"

"Apparently, one of her maids once served Lao Fo Ye, and somehow told her of the time when – according to the maid – I was disrespectful to Lao Fo Ye and Lao Fo Ye locked me up for a whole night in a cold room – "

"Wait, which time?"

In another time, it would be funny. That, once, she caused so many antics of this kind that one must clarify _which time_.

"The time when it wasn't because I was being disrespectful, but because Lao Fo Ye found out the truth about my family and locked all of us up to get more information and basically to blackmail us."

"That was the time that her sleeping draught made you – "

"Yes, but Xin Pin's maid only had the vaguest idea of what happened, and apparently thought that kneeling for a whole night in a cold room caused me to miscarry," Xiao Yan Zi said tonelessly.

"What does that have _anything _to do with this?"

"Xin Pin's explanation – and yes, she said this to Yong Qi's face – was that she thought if it took an entire night of kneeling in the cold for me to lose a child, then an hour or so of kneeling wouldn't do Shen Chang Zai any harm, especially when she's already in her fifth month of pregnancy and her vitals are stable and everything seems to be going well. All because she thought Shen Chang Zai was being disrespectful to her. And that it was okay because Lao Fo Ye once did it to me."

Xiao Yan Zi still remembered the burning pain, listening to Xin Pin's idiotic reasoning, and how only the sight of Yong Qi trembling with anger beside her prevented her from doing anything rash at all. She had pressed her hand down, nails digging into his shoulder then, whether to stop him from standing up or herself from reaching out and strangling Xin Pin, she still wasn't sure. The fact that her loss – which hurt still if she ever let herself think about it – was gossiped about and then taken so lightly by one who understood barely a fraction of what happened that night was already infuriating. That Xin Pin should use that so-called knowledge to place a gamble on the life of a child – and it didn't even matter that it was _his _child – was beyond her comprehension.

It was apparently beyond Zi Wei's comprehension too, because she shook her head and said, "I don't even – "

"I thought Yong Qi was going to slap her," Xiao Yan Zi recalled, her voice shaking slightly even now. "I don't think I've ever seen him so angry. She's confined to her rooms now. No one has seen her since."

"I'm guessing the maid also didn't tell her that Lao Fo Ye didn't know you were pregnant at the time? If she did, even if your father had taken his sword and held it to Huang Ah Ma's neck once, she would have taken more care with you."

Xiao Yan Zi shrugged. It shouldn't even matter. The whole _fiasco _of that night should have been buried long ago, not dug up now, to sweep the pain over their head like a tidal wave. It was a night that if Xiao Yan Zi could delete forever from her memories, she would gladly do it.

"How's Shen Chang Zai? I mean, you know, aside from the obvious."

"The physician said she's getting better. But poor thing, she was so desperate for that child. It was a boy, too," Xiao Yan Zi sniffled. She could not allow herself to think of the losses now…_it wasn't relevant_, she told herself.

Zi Wei sighed. "Aren't they all desperate?"

"Yi Ling more than most. She didn't really want to come into the palace, you know."

"Then why? I thought my brother and Huang Hou had a system to prevent taking those who didn't want to come?"

"Apparently her father is…not too fond of her."

"Which is a code for abusive?"

"Yes."

She would not get into a rant about good, smart women who suffer under the thumbs of stupid men. She would _not, _because if she did, she'd never get off that topic.

So, gritting her teeth, Xiao Yan Zi went on, "She told Huang Hou that she didn't want to become a concubine, but if she was unsuccessful, her father would marry her off to someone ghastly and her life would be all the worst."

"So the palace was the lesser of two evils?"

"Basically. She told me she would feel safe if she had this child, that she would never want for anything else, as long as the child was her protection. And you know, I've always thought that that mindset was deplorable, now I don't know if I can be so sure."

Sometimes Xiao Yan Zi felt like this entire _life _had made her rethink a lot of her old philosophies, to be less certain that everything in the world could be divided into black and white. The early days of her relationship with Zhi Hua had been plagued by the fear that she could truly lose Yong Qi to her, that there could not be sex without love, that there could not be a child without love. That to have a child come of any other purpose was somehow not possible.

It was a long and arduous road to convince herself that regardless of what happened between him and Zhi Hua, and now, the rest of them_, _was not relevant to his heart, that he could truly devote his heart to her and still somehow fulfill his duties to them and to his position. He had loved her deeply in the years when it had been all but chaste kisses and brushes of the hand, just as deeply as he loved her now, when there were no longer mysteries between them, and no one else was ever, and would ever be, included in that equation.

"When you are not lucky enough to have family support or husband's love, I suppose a son is all there is to depend on," Zi Wei said softly. "But Huang Shang would not have mistreated her even if she did not have a child."

Xiao Yan Zi had come to understand this, too. Just because he could not bring himself to treat them coldly did not mean that his heart was compromised. Many of them came into the palace not of their own choices, and even if they had ambitions, it was because that was all they had been taught to think, the only purpose they had been allowed to seek. They came into the palace to be under his protection and he would not be the man she fell in love with nor the benevolent emperor he was if he did not treat them first with kindness.

If she needed him to be heartless to them to prove that he loved her, then perhaps it would only prove that she did not love him enough to trust his heart. He should not need to cast them aside, to prove to _them _that he loved her. Neither she nor he owed them that and his love for her was too precious to be thrown into their face. He only needed to ensure she never had cause to doubt it, and after all these years, she had to admit, he had managed that well enough.

This _arrangement _was permanent, it was an unavoidable fact of the position he had come to occupy, and to fight it was pointless. For either Xiao Yan Zi or Yong Qi to antagonise them would not make them go away, and would only make both their lives that much harder and make them resent her that much more in return. It wasn't as if some of them needed reason to resent Xiao Yan Zi as it was.

And the truth was, when she thought about it, in many ways, she was luckier than them. He loved her the way he would never love them. Sometimes that wasn't much comfort in the nights when she drowned herself in self-pity, but in the light of day, it always made her force herself to remember that she loved him enough to not pull him away from his duty, from his right and his destiny. They had stayed in Beijing when once upon a time, there would have been a choice to leave it all, because she had realised then, as she believed even more strongly now, that his place was here, and that the well-being of this entire country was more important than her, no matter how he would tell her that this whole empire could not compare to her smile.

Just as he would, once, have left everything for her and never regret, she would stay for him, and never regret either. And the only way to deal with everything and everyone that came with staying was to do away with denial, and co-exist, to find the odd friendship and true affection if there was any. And strangely enough, in Shen Yi Ling, she had managed to find that.

"No," Xiao Yan Zi said. "But she would be happier with one, I think. I mean, sometimes I think she'd been unhappy for so long that she doesn't know how to be happy now. She was so afraid, as well, when she found out that she was pregnant. She thought I'd hate her."

Zi Wei looked at her with a silent question hanging between them.

"It was…it was complicated," she admitted. "I like her, I really really do, and she'd had a difficult life and I feel bad for her. She doesn't have any choices in her life at all, any freedom and I suspect, hardly any joy. I can't say I..._was thrilled _at the idea, but…better her than anyone else? I mean I know what was happening, it's not as if any of this was unexpected."

Zi Wei nodded, understanding all the other conflicts she felt and could not say, because saying it all out loud really solved nothing.

"To be honest, you are taking all this far better than I could have expected," Zi Wei said.

"Taking what?"

"Zhi Hua is a moot point, but Huang Hou and all of the others weren't what you signed up for."

"Weren't they?" she laughed humourlessly. "He was still a prince when I married him. I was only foolish enough then to not consider what it all might meant one day. Didn't read the fine print, so to speak."

"Yes, but even you were allowed a more dramatic reaction to the addition of them in your life."

"If throwing a tantrum would have prevented it, believe me I would have thrown a convincing one," Xiao Yan Zi said with a wry smile. "I suppose, at some point I have realised that the world - even his world - cannot revolve around me. He was born to a destiny and duty that would allow him to do so many good things, to allow him to sacrifice all that for the sake of something as selfish as my happiness is foolish. And I not unhappy, Zi Wei."

"I know."

"It's just that, it's _infuriating_, sometimes. The reason behind this stupidity of Niuhulu Xin Rong's isn't new. At all. Yi Ling was no threat to her, not yet, anyway. But she can't get at me, so she bullies someone I care about instead. Why does that sound familiar? It makes me feel so _helpless_. Yong Qi piles all these titles and honours on me and will do more because he wishes to protect me, but what use is that when I _still _have to see people I care about being harmed?"

"You can't blame yourself, Xiao Yan Zi," Zi Wei said soothingly. "Likely if you didn't rescue Shen Chang Zai then, she might not have lived either."

"I just feel like I should have been more on my guard. I guess, after all this time, I still can't imagine the full of what these women would do to win in this war."

"I have to say I am relieved that you can't bring yourself to think like them," Zi Wei said.

She would never be able to think like them, she thought, but perhaps, part of that would be because she would never be as desperate as them. She knew, for some of them, they come into the palace and saw only a battlefield, where they had to fight to survive, used to the idea of an emperor as a man who could one day fall in love and the next cast them off and the only way to survive was to hold on to that love, however delusional. It was all so bred into them that they probably could not see that the reality they found themselves in was so different.

Zi Wei said hesitantly after a long silence between them, "So when you say you haven't told anyone about this baby, does that mean Huang Shang does not know yet either?"

"No. At first, it didn't seem right, with what he'd just lost. And then these last few days he'd been so busy. I didn't – it just never felt like the right time."

"How far along are you?"

"Three months. Now I'm just planning to not say anything at all until I can't hide it anymore."

Zi Wei frowned. "What? Why? He'd want to know, Xiao Yan Zi! And I'm surprised he hadn't noticed anything yet."

"As I said, he'd been preoccupied with other things. Good thing, too, I guess."

"Xiao Yan Zi," Zi Wei said seriously. "You can't be serious about not telling him."

"Why not?"

"Because he'll be hurt when he finds out you haven't told him?"

She shrugged.

"Xiao Yan Zi! You're being ridiculous. I mean, nothing's _wrong_, is there?"

"No."

"So you need to tell him. Even if something's wrong. Especially if there's something wrong, which, pray Heaven, there won't be."

"I just – there's been so much drama lately, I don't want to raise a fuss. Especially for Yi Ling's sake."

"Shen Yi Ling would be the last person to begrudge you this. And you don't have to be afraid, Xiao Yan Zi."

"I'm not - "

But Zi Wei had managed to get to the heart of the matter.

"Oh, _Xiao Yan Zi_," Zi Wei said softly, putting her arms around her. Xiao Yan Zi gladly leaned into her friend's comfort.

The truth was, she was terrified. The last few years, everything she knew had been turned on its head and she was barely dealing adequately with it all as it was. But now she knew of desperation, of the lengths to which the women around her would go to gain the upper-hand. This would be the first time she would be having a child all the while knowing there was more than just Zhi Hua looking in with envy and jealousy. The whole ordeal with Yi Ling disturbed and unsettled her more than just sympathy for Shen Chang Zai.

"I don't want to say anything when it might just end up coming to nothing anyway," she said softly. "I don't want to get his hopes up over nothing."

Zi Wei stared at her. "Don't talk like that! It's _never_ nothing_, _even if it doesn't work out. But what on earth would make you think that anyway?"

Xiao Yan Zi laughed bitterly. "Do I need to count the losses, Zi Wei?"

"Oh for Heaven's sake! Xiao Yan Zi! You've had four healthy children – "

"_Three_," Xiao Yan Zi corrected, choked.

"_Four_," Zi Wei contradicted. "Mian Zhang was perfectly healthy and fine when he was born. And then the other times weren't even because there was anything wrong with you."

Xiao Yan Zi bit her lower lip and didn't reply.

Zi Wei took her hand and said earnestly, "Xiao Yan Zi, this pessimism and gloominess isn't you. I know it's much more dangerous now, for you, and I'm not making light of your worries, I really am not. I know they're not all Shen Yi Ling, even if they won't be as unsubtle or extreme as Xin Da Ying. But you can't let this – them – rule you. I know there's no foolproof, but Huang Shang _and _Huang Hou would do everything to protect you, but they can't do that if you don't tell them."

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. He loved her, she knew he did. But sometimes, she wondered if his love was more dangerous to her because she had it. It still scared her sometimes that it was possible to love him back so much that she would still choose to be here now. But then, he wasn't the only hold on her now, was he? There were the children too, her beautiful girl and golden boys, who were tangible proofs of their love, who she could not possibly part from now.

"Xiao Yan Zi, please promise me you'll tell him," Zi Wei pressed. "No matter how hectic everything is, he'd want to know."

"All right," she conceded.

"You know I wouldn't be surprised if he promoted you to Gui Fei for this."

"Oh gosh, please, no," she groaned.

"Xiao Yan Zi."

"I really don't want it."

"That's hardly going to matter, you know," Zi Wei said, smiling. "The Huang Gui Fei position has your name on it from the moment he sat on that throne. He would protect you, Xiao Yan Zi, but you have to let him, sometimes. Especially when you would not get into this fight yourself."

"Protect me how? By giving me more things to live up to that I cannot? By painting a target on my back and those of my children?"

"It goes both ways, I suppose," Zi Wei said. "I know you don't want the power that comes with it, even less the responsibility. But you know aside from Huang Hou, he really doesn't trust anyone to be in a position over you without abusing it. He's struggled so long with giving you the status he wants for you and half the world but especially Lao Fo Ye, fighting against that. Now that he's freer to do it, don't think he would hold back. And you know, Xiao Yan Zi, I don't think it's an indulgence either."

"What do you mean?"

"I think now you can bear the position well. Huang Hou and Shen Chang Zai like you, you have the respect of the others, even Zhi Hua, despite everything. As for Xin Da Ying…well, you can't have everything."

"You haven't met Xiang Gui Ren," Xiao Yan Zi muttered.

"Is that the new one?"

"Hmmm… imagine me meeting the Ulanara Huang Hou for the first time, but with a lot less ignorance and antics of trying to prove I'm you, and more meditated rudeness."

"Isn't she General Fu Heng's granddaughter?"

"Yes."

"I imagine he would be quite mortified to know that his granddaughter was rude to you. He has always liked you."

"That's because he'd known me since when I was still giving them free theatre performances in the palace every other week. Besides, he can afford to like me, I don't see myself being able to win over Xiang Gui Ren so easily."

"You can't win over everyone. I'm just saying you're not as unsuited to it as you seem to think you are. Perhaps, once, but no longer."

"You're biased anyway."

"Perhaps," Zi Wei chuckled. "But you know the position is not going to go to Wen Fei. No matter how much more pleasant she might be."

"I'm so over being bothered by Chen Zhi Hua, and Yong Qi knows that."

"Yes," Zi Wei smiled, "but there's too much history there for Huang Shang to completely trust her. And you know you're the only person who gets away with that, right?"

"With what?"

"Using his name in every other sentence."

"It's not as if I call him that around anyone but him and you. And he prefers it for us."

"My point exactly."

* * *

_If you really want to know, the hierarchy is:_

1) Huang Hou née Tongjia Zhu Ying 佟佳珠英  
2) Yi Fei 怡妃 née Fang Ci  
_- Zhuang Nan __庄南__ Ge Ge_  
_- Da Ah Ge Mian Zhang __绵仗__ (deceased)_  
_- San Ah Ge Mian Ren __绵任_  
_- Si Ah Ge Mian Xuan __绵伭_  
3) Wen Fei 文妃 née Chen Zhi Hua  
_- Er Ah Ge Mian Yi __绵亿_  
4) He Gui Ren 和贵人 of the Yehenala 叶赫那拉 clan  
_- Zhuang Jing __庄靜__ Ge Ge_  
5) An Gui Ren 安贵人 of the Hesheli 赫舍里 clan  
6) Sun Gui Ren 孙贵人  
7) Xiang Gui Ren 祥贵人 née Fucha Wan Yun 富察婉云  
8) Shen Chang Zai 沈常在 née Shen Yi Ling 沈依玲  
9) Chun Chang Zai 淳常在 of the Guoerjia 郭尔佳 clan  
10) Jiang Da Ying 江答应  
11) Zhao Da Ying 赵答应  
12) Xin Da Ying 欣答应, formerly Xin Pin 欣嫔, née Niuhulu Xin Rong 钮祜禄欣荣 (I'm sorry, I couldn't resist)

_(You see what I'm doing here with all the name-dropping, don't you? :P)_

_I was going to include this at the end of chapter 2 then it didn't feel necessary, but orb90 requested it. Though the only really important ones have already been mentioned in this chapter and the last so you don't have to worry about the ones who haven't appeared. Also I seemed to have raised the expectation of an actual plot with conflict and resolution. There is none. There is only one more chapter left. As stated in the summary, this story is just "a day in the life" excerpt, and I would say it is more of a character study of how Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi would deal with this situation more than anything terribly plotty._

_Currently the Gui Fei and Huang Gui Fei positions are empty because the situation just fell into my head with Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua in the same position. The reason I suppose is that this gives room for development, though I do have to say in the future, as Zi Wei says, the positions are Xiao Yan Zi's to come to terms with. Xiao Yan Zi doesn't want the power solely for the sake of it, so she's resisting it._


	4. Afternoon – Night

**Let the Years Sculpture Our Love**

**Afternoon – Night: Let time, for us, settle down**

* * *

_Just want to let you know  
I really am fine  
To love you is to love for life  
I will wait for you until we're old_

_Just want to let you know  
I cannot let go, cannot forget  
Your smile and your goodness  
Are my warm pillar of strength_

– Liu Shi Shi, Season of Waiting

_Let the years sculpture our love_  
_And let time, for us, settle down_  
_You are memories in my heart_  
_And the courage that I cherish_

- Zheng Jia Jia, Love Sculpture

_(The Chinese equivalent of the royal We is zhen_朕_, of course.)_

* * *

"Huang Shang, it's time to turn the cards," his head eunuch, Shun Pei, said quietly as behind him entered another eunuch from the Internal Affairs Department.

Yong Qi looked from the report he was reading to the tray the eunuch was holding in front of him. Ten jade name cards were displayed, showing the names of each of the concubines.

As usual, his hand went to hover automatically over the card that read _Yi Fei_. If he could have his way, it would be the only card that would ever be turned. He could feel the eunuch holding the tray tense, as if he knew where Yong Qi's fingers had stopped. Yong Qi wondered how it was that the eunuchs meddled and cared more about who was in his bed every night when Huang Hou did not. If he went to Xiao Yan Zi too many times in a row, he was sure to receive some sort of attitude from the eunuchs from the Internal Affairs Department, even if they would not dare say anything out loud. The idea that an emperor could do as he wished never became as hysterically false as everytime Yong Qi forced his hand to move away from Xiao Yan Zi's card.

He moved towards the end of the row, to the new name on a brand new card: _Xiang Gui Ren. _For a moment, he had placed his fingers on the card, ready to turn it over, before he paused again. Tapping his fingers against the cool jade, his eyes moved over to Xiao Yan Zi's card.

His mind went to her attempt to put on a brave smile that morning, a smile through which he could still see disappointment and pain. She would not expect him, he knew, and while she would no longer cry herself to sleep, she would not be able to keep away the feelings of loneliness either.

In other nights, the only way he could deal with it was to forbid himself from thinking of her at all and focus on the fact that this was his duty now – to his family, to who he was, to the entire empire that he now held in his hands. This was what he was raised for, and he would not wish to push off the responsibility to anyone else. He had made a pledge to his ancestors, to himself and to the Heavens, that by his life and by his death, with his honour and everything he held dear, he would do all that is necessary to take care of his country and of his people, and ensure that their peace and prosperity reigned not just in his days but any that came after, as far as it was in his power.

He knew he was privileged in ways no other person was, and he had the duty to use those privileges to do good for his country, and in doing that, sacrifices were warranted. Sacrifices on his part were of little importance, but when it came to her, it still made him feel like he would never deserve the love she had for him. Then again, perhaps her love as never about what he deserved.

Not all duties were pleasant, and not all perceived pleasures were what they seemed. In other nights, he could make himself go through the motions, but right then, when the image of Xiao Yan Zi in the morning burned in his mind, he could not bring himself to it.

_Oh, what the hell._

Quickly, before he could second-guess himself, Yong Qi swiftly reached over and turned the card that read _Yi Fei _instead, receiving a small sigh and a look as close to disapproval as the eunuch dared.

Yong Qi ignored him.

He had had a very long day, and it was hardly past lunchtime. The pressure of _everything _that seemed determined to go wrong with his country all at once was overwhelming as it was, and he tried not to think how close they currently were to the brink of a war with Burma. He wasn't in the mood to try and be polite and sensitive to girlish coquetry today.

It didn't matter that the only reason Xiang Gui Ren was granted this title and brought into the palace was due to the not-so-subtle hints of her father, Fu Zheng, who was looking likely to be the ideal candidate to lead the campaign in Burma. Fu Zheng was an excellent military man like his father Fu Heng, but Yong Qi wished the man possessed more of his father's personality. To make Fu Zheng feel like he was being rewarded for his work (which, to be fair, was excellent), Yong Qi would endure the addition of Xiang Gui Ren.

Just not tonight. He needed Xiao Yan Zi's familiarity, warmth and love in what was beginning to look like the worst day of his reign so far, not what would certainly be a child's attempt to flatter his vanity.

"Tell Yi Fei that We will come for dinner," he told the eunuch who was still lingering behind, as if waiting for him to change his mind. Then he turned back to his report. Shun Pei, true and loyal, took that as his cue to usher the other eunuch out the door.

* * *

Considering what happened at Jing Ren Gong that morning, to say that she was not pleased when the Internal Affairs Department came and told her he was coming would probably be lying. Still, when he did come, she could not help saying, "I didn't think you would come. I would have thought…Xiang Gui Ren…"

"…can wait. I told you I'd make it up to you."

She smiled. She could not refuse when he allowed them the indulgence of coming to her on nights when it should be about duty. He did it more than probably was wise, but he once told her when she vaguely expressed concerns, that if he didn't allow himself this luxury, the burden would only become that much more difficult.

"Truth is," he said, pulling her into his arms, "I miss you."

"You saw me just this morning."

"You know what I mean. It's been a hellish few days. I don't have the energy or the patience to play the game with Xiang Gui Ren or anyone else tonight."

With that, he tugged her to him. She leaned in and kissed him, her eyes sliding shut at the familiar, tender feel of his lips against hers. Thoughts of what he should be doing tonight as opposed to what he was doing fleeted out of her head; she couldn't spend the precious moments they had together thinking about anyone else. He deepened their kiss and his hand moved to the back of her neck, stroking softly, sending shivers traveling up her spine.

She slid her arms up his chest, savouring the feel of cool and soft silk against her palms, dearly familiar as a lover. Her hands brushed against the skin of his neck on her way to wrapping her arms around him; he tensed at the brief touch and held her even tighter, his arms sliding down to circle her waist. He was kissing her like trying to memorise the taste of her, and she was too happy to respond to his every urging touch.

Oh, how she lived for moments like this, of just the two of them, fit together so perfectly. He loved her, his heart was unequivocally and irreversibly hers and it had been a very long time since she doubted this. This full surrender of his heart was more precious and real to her now than any other compromise they had learnt to make. He was hers in all the ways that mattered and nothing proved that more than his kisses, which lit fires inside of her and allowed her to take his breaths as her own.

"Feeling better now?" she whispered as they slowly pulled away from each other. His eyes were still closed and she brought up a hand up to press against his cheek.

"Much," he said with a soft smile.

He opened his eyes, and with their faces so close to each other's, the only thing she could see was him. The passion still hung in the air between them, emphasised by their slightly gasping breaths. Xiao Yan Zi felt as if her heart was trying to burst out of her chest and she braced her weight against him slightly to steady herself. He shouldn't still be able to make her feel weak at the knees like this, she thought.

"I am glad you're here," she whispered.

"Of course," he said with a smile. "So am I."

* * *

It was not until much later, when dinner was over, Yong Qi had quizzed Nan Er on her lessons, and the children had gone to sleep that the issue finally came up. She was no longer avoiding it, and was simply struggling for a way to bring it up. In the end, he opened the conversation for her.

"Zi Wei came to see me this afternoon. She said you needed to tell me something?" he asked.

"Of course she did," Xiao Yan Zi said dryly.

"So?" he prompted.

She sighed, knowing that Zi Wei was right. He deserved to know. And it wasn't as if she wasn't happy with the news; she was, and she wanted him to be able to share in her happiness, as he would no doubt share her worries. It was others she was not so eager to let into their news so soon. But as soon as he knew, and his commands of precautions were given, the news would travel fast enough. There was nothing that was as swift as gossip in a palace full of women.

"I'm pregnant."

He smiled and held out his hand. She went over to where he was sitting and he pulled her down to sit on his lap, his arms wrapped around her waist, stroking her stomach lightly over the fabric of her clothes. "I know."

"What?" she asked, twisting so that she could stare at him. "How?"

He said, smiling, "Xiao Yan Zi, I think by now I can read the signs well enough. Not to mention, I've seen Huang Taiyi leaving for the last few days just as I arrive. And I can taste the medicine on your lips."

"If you knew, why didn't you say anything?" she pouted, turning away, but more or less offering her neck to his lips. He placed soft whispers of kisses against her neck and it was all she could do to not melt into the passion.

"Why didn't _you_?" he asked gently, lacing his fingers into hers.

"It seemed so…crass, so soon. And I didn't want to worry you," she sighed. He let out a sigh too, tickling the side of her neck.

"Xiao Yan Zi, sweetheart, the fact that you didn't say anything worried me."

"It feels different this time," Xiao Yan Zi said. "Zi Wei said I'm just being paranoid, and maybe I am, but still – "

"Different?"

"Like anything could go wrong."

"What did the physician say?"

"No, Huang Taiyi said everything's fine. You don't have to interrogate him or threaten him with anything. I don't mean physically. Physically I feel fine. Yet I still feel like I'm holding my breath for something to go wrong."

He brought their clasped hands up to his lips and brushed a kiss against the back of her hand. "Nothing is going to go wrong. I won't let anything happen to you."

"Even you cannot control everything and be everywhere at once," she said. "I cannot bear the thought that our children should have to pay the price for your love for me."

"There is no _price, _Xiao Yan Zi," he replied softly. "I won't have you worry about something like this. I know what happened to Shen Chang Zai disturbed you more than you would tell me, but nothing like that is going to happen to you, all right?"

She pressed her forehead against his and sighed. She wished she could bring herself to not think so much about this, because it was only managed to bring on the most uncomfortable thoughts.

"I am not complaining, you know," she said.

"I know. Darling, I should think that I have made it clear enough your position, to me and to Huang Hou that no one would dare go out of their way to harm you. Huang Taiyi will tend to you and be answerable directly to me if anything goes wrong, and everything to do with your meals and medicine will only be taken care of by Ming Yue and Cai Xia. I promise you, we will take every precaution and I do take your worries very seriously. But you can't work yourself up like this either."

"I will try, if only to put your mind at ease."

"You know it's different now than before, right? It is much more in my power to protect you now than before, and I will not let anything happen to you."

* * *

"How were things this morning?" Yong Qi asked her a little later.

Xiao Yan Zi hesitated, then said, "It was _interesting." _

"Interesting?" He arched an eyebrow, question unasked.

"You haven't met her yet have you?"

"_Her_?"

Xiao Yan Zi rolled her eyes. "Xiang Gui Ren. What else were you asking about?"

"The morning in general?" he asked innocently and she laughed.

"But seriously," she said, still with a smile, "you're really asking me what I think of Xiang Gui Ren?"

"Why not?" he shrugged. "It's usually a good indication of the extent to which I could probably bear their company."

She laughed.

"What? It's true, as proven by Huang Hou and Shen Chang Zai both."

"And how are you and Zhi Hua again?" she asked archly. He barely held back a groan.

"That is a completely different kettle of fish, and you know that. But I am glad you and she are getting along a little better."

"_Better _is a very relative term," Xiao Yan Zi said. "Can I ask something though?"

"What?"

Xiao Yan Zi hesitated for a long moment, and wondered if she really wanted to trek into this murky water at all. It was unavoidable to overhear things sometimes, and there were certain discussed among the women in the palace that she wished she never knew about, but there were also things that made her stupidly curious.

"Is it true...that you don't...kiss them. On the lips."

The very halting question seemed like something that would come back and bite her. The whole concept was something they never discussed, something both of them would always rather give a wide berth of, because it was so easy to hurt each other to think of it.

For a long moment, he did not answer her but just looked at her thoughtfully.

"Would it make a difference to you, either way?" he asked finally.

She didn't know. It wasn't as if she spent her time thinking of what happened when he was not with her. To dwell on it would just be the equivalent of poking at a wound until it bled. She would much rather let the vague idea of it hover in the back of her mind and would never think about it if certain comments heard in passing did not plague her.

When she did not say anything, he exhaled heavily and said, "I cannot...It's two very different concepts, you see. There's you, and then there's the rest of them. And I need a way to keep it separate."

She tried to work around what he was not saying. "So, basically, yes."

"It was never exactly a conscious thing, you know. I don't...sit and think about it."

In the grand scheme of things, perhaps it shouldn't make a difference. In an ideal world, the entire _act _shouldn't be right. But she had come to accept the not ideal aspects of their lives now.

She wasn't even sure if the new knowledge brought on any _comfort _exactly, and didn't know what the reaction should be now that she knew.

He had a far-off, discomforted look at his face now. With a heavy sigh, he turned slightly away from her and shook his head. "I know it's never going to be enough. I know this was never what you wanted, and it was never what I wanted for us, either. I do wish – "

"Don't!" she cut him off gruffly, because the bitterness in his voice as he said this was going to make her cry if he kept it up. "I have left behind wishes of what could be a long time ago. You have managed to accept who I am, who my family were, who my father was, and I could the same for you. You are who you are, with this title, this responsibility and if you didn't have all of this, you would be a very different person, not the man I fell in love with. Since I fell in love with you, I will bear it all."

"I would rather you didn't have to bear anything," he said, still not quite looking at her. "You deserve the world at your feet and so much more. Sometimes I wonder, what use is my position if, for all that I could give you now, the one thing you want, the one thing you need, I can't give you? I wonder sometimes if I was too selfish to even pursue you in the first place when I must have known – actually, Er Tai practically spelled it out then for me – that this would be our future. You are not meant to be caged like this."

Was it possible that after all this time, he still didn't understand? That he still thought, somehow, she was still here involuntarily? Was it truly easier for him to think that he had trapped her, instead of accepting the truth? He was not the only one capable of a love so deep that it took them both by surprise.

She gave a growl of frustration and tugged roughly at his shirt, pulling him around to face her.

"It might have been your choice to express your feelings then, but it was _my _acceptance, Yong Qi!" she said fiercely. "You might have been prince, but it was _my_ choice! _Always_ my choice!

"Yes, but perhaps if I never let you on at all, perhaps if I had the courage to let you go then, you would better off now."

She scoffed. "If I did not wish for your attention, it wouldn't even have mattered if you were emperor then. If I did not wish to stay, you would not have been able to hold me back."

Even when she forced herself through thoughts about things she would much rather not know, there might be pain, there might be selfish wishes, there might be resentment, but she had truthfully never regretted it.

She was gripping his hands tightly, and it probably was painful, but he didn't pull away. She took that as a good sign. She raised their clasped hands up between them and rested them against his heart. "I _chose_ to stay!" she said, softer now, but just as determinedly. "I chose you, all of you, everything! I won't let you take that decision away from me!"

There was a moment of long silence, when he simply gazed at her, and she could see the simple, if ardent, admiration in his eyes. Then, he gave her a crooked half smile and softly traced the contours of her face with his fingers. "You are right. Sometimes I forget you do not need me in the same way I need you. "

It was a good thing that he said 'not in the same way' instead of 'not as much as', because that would probably have opened up a whole new discussion. To him, perhaps it still meant the same thing, but she would let the semantics go for now. He was wrong, nonetheless.

She looked down to their hands, still clasped between them. "It's never going to be easy, I know," she said, sniffling. "But if there is going to be any regret about my life, it is my prerogative, not yours. I am not going to regret, and I refuse to allow you to bait me into it."

He was a choice she never expected make, a sacrifice she never thought she could consider before meeting him. But the important thing was, still, that he was _her_ choice.

* * *

"Though back to the subject, if you are so curious about Xiang Gui Ren, you should just actually meet her."

"I'm not curious about _her, _I'm curious what you think of her. And considering you're evading saying anything of her at all, I'm going to take a wild guess and say you didn't like her."

"When have I ever liked your – _whatever_?"

"My _whatever_?" he asked, chuckling, distilling whatever tension that still remained after their rather emotional confrontation earlier.

"I just mean, the whole concept of them is counter-intuitive to my liking them. Shen Yi Ling is a weird anomaly."

"So what you're_ still _saying is that you didn't like her?"

"I'm not saying anything," she said stubbornly. "And it's not as if my opinion matters in this case, is it?"

"Well, it would make things a little less difficult if you at least could tolerate her," he admitted.

"Because you need to keep her father in line?"

"Not exactly that the only way I could have her father's support is through her, but her family has always been well-esteemed and have good relations with the crown and it would be best to keep that relationship the way it always has been. Especially when I'm close to sending Fu Zheng to war as it is."

A shadow fell over his face at the thought and she could only reach over to take his hand in comfort.

"_I _should be going," he said heavily.

The sudden change of mood and subject was almost dizzying.

"No, you should not," was her sharp contradiction.

They were moving on to an entirely different dilemma now, and if there was a time when he needed her honest faith and opinion, it was now. Command still sat uneasy with him after all this while, especially when it was on tasks that were difficult and dangerous that he, in his enormous burden of responsibility, felt should fall on him. Yet he also still had to come to terms with the truth that he could not do everything on his own, and he did not need to.

"Oh, I've raised the idea, it was unanimously shot down," he answered.

"Of course, as if your advisors would allow you to risk your life. You know it is not sound, either, Yong Qi."

The sound of his name again, so rarely heard now, from her, made him smile. The fact that she alone now was allowed to call him this was comfort, and assurance that he still valued her truth, love and support above all. It was reminder to her, too, that she had done much to influence the monarch that he had become, and why she had made the sacrifices necessary for him be where he was today.

"Of course, Mian...the boys are all so very young."

She nearly laughed at his attempt to try and be neutral. Heaven forbid, if a succession was suddenly needed now, there would be little difference between Zhi Hua's five-year-old and her three-year-old. She did not wish to think of the idea _at all, _either way. She could only hope that in the future, there would be a peaceful solution to it all, and that future would be a long time coming.

So she only said, "You just have to get used to the wonderful concept that is _delegation_."

"Oh, I am used to it. On easy, pleasant tasks I am more than happy to delegate. I would delegate even the pleasures of entertaining Xiang Gui Ren if I could – "

She snorted. "Yong Qi!"

He gave her a weak smile, and continued, "But on matters like this, shouldn't I be taking a more proactive role in protecting my country, my people?"

"You'll be protecting them a lot more effectively to make sure that there isn't a chance this country will be at risk of having an emperor who is barely five years old," she said softly.

"My head understands that logic well enough," he said with a sigh, "but it still seems so very..._stupid_ that I sit here doing nothing while others risk their lives to protect the border."

She sat down on his lap and cupped his face in her hands, looking at him sincerely. "You know you cannot call what you do everyday 'doing nothing'. And you know if there was a chance that this was a truly foolhardy adventure, you would have men far more experienced who are loyal enough to point it out as such. You worry, and I understand, but you cannot let that worry make you second guess yourself or belittle what you do. You have done so much in such a short time, Yong Qi, and I see the results everyday in the continued peace of the country and Liu Qing, Liu Hong and Jin Suo tell you every time they see you of the happiness and contentment of the people. If there is anything I am sure of, Yong Qi, my love, is that I didn't make the wrong decision to make you stay, and to stay with you, in this position. You've done so much, and I am so, so _very_ proud of you. Never doubt that."

He sighed and took one of her hands in his, kissing it softly.

"Thank you," he whispered, resting his head against her shoulder.

"For?"

"For saying the things I needed to hear. That, despite everything, you would still say all this and mean it all. You do not know how much your approval means to me. You have given up so much for me, I know, and I am so much more comforted to know that you think it was worth it, especially when I would not be the man I am today without having seen the world through your eyes."

"I will do more than approve, I will bear the burden and the worries with you, my heart, if you would confide in me," she said softly, kissing his hand in return.

"You do bear it enough now when you accept and do not complain of Xiang Gui Ren and all the others," he said, though by his tone and his smile, she knew he understood she was offering more than acceptance and someone who would listen to his frustration and troubles. She was offering unconditional faith and support in everything he did, and that meant more to him than he could express to her then.

For that moments, in her arms and surrounded by her love, the burden and worry seemed to have eased, because he was tugging her down for a kiss. She wrapped her arms around him and allowed him to dust soft, feather-light kisses all over her face and neck.

Then, with a soft sigh, he said, "Before you, I would not have thought it was possible to love as much as I love you, and for that love to increase every single day, or that I could crave the feelings as much as this. And even if it hurt, even if it puts my mind and heart into turmoil of conflict that I wish I could do away with sometimes, there will always be something else that makes all that confusion worthwhile. Do you know what that is?"

"What?" she asked with a smile, bringing a hand down to press against his chest, against his heart.

"You."

She chuckled. "Clichéd and predictable, perhaps, but sincere, I hope?"

"Of course, the emperor does not joke, not about something as important as this," he said with mock formality. "How dare you accuse Us of not being sincere."

This only made her laugh even more. "Using the royal We to me, sweetheart? A bit over-dramatic, don't you think?"

"The majestic plural is used in matters of utmost importance. And this matter is most important to _Us_," he said with a smile, but she could tell there was another layer of meaning to everything he was saying. "We do love you, very much."

"I think I would prefer a simple 'I' in that sentence," she said, smiling.

"We, I, Us, _all of me_, loves you, and only you."

She smiled, and leaned into his embrace, accepting whole-heartedly the warmth and comfort of his love, pronoun and grammar confusions and all.

* * *

_That's it. That's really all I have for now. This was more like a bunch of headcanons about what would happen if Yong Qi becomes emperor that I just strung together. I was going to make this a chapter in Kaleidoscope but then it got a bit long and I wanted to split up the information dump. I might continue this later if I get any ideas but this is it for now. I know there are a lot of loose threads left and Yong Qi has yet to even meet Xiang Gui Ren which is an interesting concept in itself so if I do continue this, that will have to come._

_Thank you all for the reviews :)_


	5. After

A/N: As of this chapter, this story will be sort-of a sequel to _the world may be tiny but the heart's enormous. _This mostly just means that I will be adding An Ran into this story as the Empress Dowager. So if you have not read _the heart's enormous _yet, you may want to read it first.

Still, this story remains largely without an overarching plot and be a lot of connected vignettes for now.

* * *

**Let the Years Sculpture Our Love**

**After**

The next day, Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei were walking in the garden when they managed to overhear a conversation from a group walking parallel with them on the other side of a hedge. The hedge kept their views obstructed from each other, but conversations could still be heard through it.

When it became clear to Xiao Yan Zi that the subject being talked about was her, and Ming Yue looked at her with a silent question whether they should announce their presence, Xiao Yan Zi waved the suggestion away. By then it was more awkward to let it be known that she heard the start of the conversation at all, and Xiao Yan Zi hoped that the other party would turn to another path before they could meet.

"Meimei, I would advise you sincerely to not be so insolent to Yi Fei. It would do you no good," He Gui Ren said.

She, Xiang Gui Ren and An Gui Ren were just returning to their own palaces from Ci Ning Gong, where they have gone to greet Tai Hou. It was the first time Xiang Gui Ren had met Tai Hou, and at least, in this meeting, without the presence of Yi Fei, Xiang Gui Ren conducted herself properly enough and Tai Hou seemed pleased with her.

"Why should it bother me?" Xiang Gui Ren answered, the smirk almost audible in her tone. "My family has done great service to this country; I come into the palace in glory. What does she have that could measure up?"

"What does _she _have?" An Gui Ren said with an expression of disbelief at the new concubine's obtuseness. "She is Huang Shang's favourite and has his children! Do you think that insignificant?"

"Who can predict what little children can achieve in the future? My children will be able to just as much as hers, even more, for they would come from two great families. As for favour, how much longer can she have it?"

He Gui Ren gave a short laugh of derision. "If you want children you might want to not antagonise Huang Shang before you even have the honour of meeting him. And believe it or not, this behaviour towards and about Yi Fei will win you no point in his eyes. But if you do not wish for my advice, then do not take it."

"I appreciate the sentiment, Jiejie," Xiang Gui Ren answered in a syrupy but insincere tone, "but I have no use for such foolish advice. Why should I bow and scrape to Yi Fei, or those who pander to her as Wen Fei?"

Her companions laughed snidely.

An Gui Ren said, still giggling, "You think _Wen Fei _panders to Yi Fei? Believe you me, a year ago, the one who resents Yi Fei most in this entire palace is Wen Fei. But even _then_, she still has to put up an act of being outwardly polite to Yi Fei, and her son is Huang Shang's eldest."

"Then why should she pretend to be nice to Yi Fei?"

"Because she has a sense of self-preservation, you foolish girl!"An Gui Ren snapped. "She understands, as you apparently don't, that Huang Shang likes Yi Fei and does not take well to anyone treating her with outward contempt."

"Though to be fair," He Gui Ren said, "Wen Fei's attitude towards Yi Fei has changed dramatically this last year."

Xiang Gui Ren replied triumphantly, "There, as I said, she panders to Yi Fei. And to what end? Does Huang Shang like her any better?"

"You have no idea why she changed, but how does that matter? He likes her better than he would like you if you keep this up in his presence," An Gui Ren muttered. "Why are we even bothering? It would be less grief to us if Huang Shang cares nothing for you."

"I don't think that will be a problem. After all, you both were chosen in the mass selection process. I, on the other hand, was specially requested to enter the palace."

"And you think that is because of _you, yourself_?"An Gui Ren asked with a laugh. "Do not be so blind! Huang Shang wishes to reward your father and this was what he requested. Do not think so much of your own importance. To Huang Shang, the addition of you does not make any difference in his life."

"You might want to come to terms with your own insignificance soon, Meimei, before you find that Huang Shang really cannot stand your attitude. And it is not only Huang Shang's good opinion you need to worry about either. Tai Hou would not show favouritism but still, she is very fond of Yi Fei. As cordially she acted towards you this morning, don't think that she would like your attitude towards Yi Fei either. Besides, even Huang Hou has to make concessions to Yi Fei, who are you to act high and mighty to her?"

"Huang Hou? Why should Huang Hou make any concession to anyone? She is Huang Hou, is she not? Who dares cross her?"

At that moment, to Xiao Yan Zi's disappointment, their two groups came around the bend and were face-to-face. She had hoped that the other three would have turned away before they could meet, but then in situations like this, sometimes it seemed destined by some mysterious rule of drama, it was unavoidable that they would cross paths.

An Gui Ren and He Gui Ren both gasped to see her, and curtsied, looking shame-faced.

"Yi Fei Niang Niang jixiang."

In turn, Zi Wei greeted them and received polite nods in return.

Xiang Gui Ren only dropped the shallowest and briefest of curtsies after the other two hissed, "_Meimei_".

"Rise," Xiao Yan Zi said to the other two because Xiang Gui Ren did not even wait for as much. Then, smiling, she said, "Xiang Gui Ren, you speak much but only managed one sensible idea. Indeed, Huang Hou does not need to make concessions for anyone. She is mistress here, after all. Certainly I do not feel that I have the right to demand such deference from one who ranks higher than me."

"As long as you know that," Xiang Gui Ren said, with a smile that was meant to be superior. It just made Xiao Yan Zi want to laugh because the girl completely missed the irony. Indeed, both He Gui Ren and An Gui Ren barely even tried to suppress their laughter. Even Zi Wei smiled widely. Xiang Gui Ren gave them a peevish look.

"I hope Niang Niang will also be as understanding after I have the great pleasure and honour of meeting Huang Shang," Xiang Gui Ren said.

"Of course," Xiao Yan Zi said, amused. "I am sure whatever I say shall not prevent Huang Shang from coming to his own opinion of you."

"I am glad to hear that," Xiang Gui Ren said, smirking. "I hope Niang Niang will not be too disappointed then."

"Oh, not at all. I do sincerely wish you all the luck in the world, Meimei."

Xiao Yan Zi tried not to notice that Zi Wei had held a sleeve to her face to hide her smile, even if it was still shining through her eyes. He Gui Ren and An Gui Ren looked like they both wanted to burst out laughing.

"I shan't need luck, but _thank you_," Xiang Gui Ren said, in what, Xiao Yan Zi was sure, she thought was magnanimous grace. Then, the girl abruptly left without taking her leave. Xiao Yan Zi let her go with a smile to herself. She would honestly have pitied the girl's delusion, but the truth was, she was much too amusing.

"Niang Niang, you really would not do anything about her?" He Gui Ren asked, a hint laughter in her voice.

Xiao Yan Zi turned to her and said, smiling, "Do what? Do you think I need to do anything?"

"Certainly not. Does the fact that Huang Shang has not summoned her yet speak for itself?"

"Oh no, that is more because of Huang Shang and less her."

After a few other inconsequential comments, An Gui Ren and He Gui Ren took their leave and continued on their way, leaving Xiao Yan Zi to look to Zi Wei with amusement.

"So that's Xiang Gui Ren ," Zi Wei said, stating the obvious, smiling.

"Yes. I can't decide yet whether the poor girl will amuse Huang Shang or just annoy him."

"He won't be happy about her attitude, surely?"

"No, but then he knows it doesn't bother me. If anything, she'd made things a little less monotonous around here. I have to tell myself it's mean to take so much amusement from her cluelessness otherwise I'll just end up baiting her too much. Not that she needs baiting."

"I suppose if you have to put up with them, you should be allowed to take up some amusement from it all."

Xiao Yan Zi gave a faux gasp. "Really? Such unkind thought, from you?"

"Oh, be quiet, Xiao Yan Zi. If anything, I learnt it from you."

* * *

When Er Tai approached Qian Qing Gong that afternoon, he found Xiang Gui Ren speaking to Shun Gong Gong outside. As he drew closer, he heard Shun Gong Gong tell Xiang Gui Ren:

"Gui Ren, Huang Shang is talking with Yi Fei Niang Niang. I'm afraid this will not be a good time."

"Just go tell Huang Shang that I am here," Xiang Gui Ren said haughtily.

"Gui Ren, truly Huang Shang is very busy this afternoon and will not be able to see you. Huang Shang has a meeting with Fu Daren afterwards – "

At this point, Shun Gong Gong has spotted Er Tai and he didn't think he had ever seen anyone look more relieved.

"Fu Daren jixiang. Huang Shang is busy at the moment but he should be ready to see you soon, if you would please wait."

"Of course, Gong Gong." Er Tai then turned to Xiang Gui Ren. "Xiang Gui Ren jixiang."

She barely acknowledged his greeting and his presence, and Er Tai could not help but roll his eyes when she turned back to Shun Gong Gong. "Why are you still here? I ordered you to let Huang Shang know of my presence."

Unable to refuse such a direct order, Shun Gong Gong threw a fleeting long-suffering look at Er Tai before going inside. It was clear that until Huang Shang refused to see her, she would not leave. If Shun Gong Gong was reluctant to let Xiang Gui Ren in in the first place, Er Tai highly doubted that with this announcement would do anything to give Huang Shang the sudden urge to see her when he undoubtedly had better things to do.

"Gui Ren, I have a little piece of advice, I wonder if you would hear it?" Er Tai said when it did not seem like Shun Gong Gong would be out quickly and the silence between them turned uncomfortable.

His companion looked at him without much interest and said, "Go on."

"I think it would be more prudent for you, Gui Ren, if you were to treat Shun Gong Gong with a little more respect."

"Respect?" Xiang Gui Ren said with a dismissive little laugh. "He is a servant."

Er Tai held back a sigh and was already wondering why he even bothered. "He has served Huang Shang since childhood. I hope you understand that Huang Shang thinks very highly of him."

"Yet he is still a servant."

"Of course," Er Tai said, too patiently if he must admit, "and yet he is a servant who is in charge of Huang Shang's affairs. Even you, Gui Ren, cannot fail to understand the position a trusted eunuch hold in the life of an emperor, since the beginning of this country's history."

Xiang Gui Ren did not answer, but simply gave Er Tai a vacant smile. "Thank you for your information, Fu Daren."

Er Tai held back a sigh but didn't press. Having stayed as a guest at her father's home in the south when he was on his way back to Beijing from Tibet, he should not be surprised at this attitude problem. Of all the women in the world, Fucha Wan Yun was not someone he would ever choose for his friend. It was a pity that Fu Zheng had only one daughter.

If she refused to see that it was important to keep on the good side of servants who earned Huang Shang's trust over the years like Shun Gong Gong, then it was her grave to dig herself. There was a reason, after all, that after he came to the throne, Huang Shang's two servants since childhood had been placed in very strategic high positions: Shun Pei heading affairs at Qian Qing Gong and Gui Min at the Internal Affairs Department, which more or less controlled the affairs of the inner palace.

At that moment, Shun Gong Gong came out again and expressed his regrets that Huang Shang will not have time to see Xiang Gui Ren and asked her to return to her own palace.

"If he has time to see Yi Fei then why not me?" Xiang Gui Ren asked petulantly.

Before Shun Gong Gong could answer, however, Xiao Yan Zi herself stepped out.

"There's no need to sound so snippy, Xiang Gui Ren. I am leaving."

Er Tai could recognise the amused, mischievous expression on her face and didn't think it fit well with Xiang Gui Ren's blackening mood. Therefore he stepped up hastily to greet her.

Perhaps it was Xiang Gui Ren's presence, but Xiao Yan Zi didn't roll her eyes and tell him he was being much too formal like she usually would when he insisted on all the proper greetings to her. Instead, she merely gave a more friendly, genuine smile and said, "I am sorry to keep you waiting."

"Not at all, Niang Niang."

They both were aware that it was all a show for Xiang Gui Ren's benefit and with Xiang Gui Ren as a principle player. Shun Gong Gong was watching it all, and Er Tai was sure he had picked up on the fact that Xiang Gui Ren took much too long to greet Yi Fei, and even then it was perfunctory. Xiao Yan Zi showed neither surprise nor offense, but then, it was _Xiao Ya__n Zi. _She never cared much for etiquettes in the first place.

"I think Shun Gong Gong has just asked you to leave, Meimei," Xiao Yan Zi said archly. "Perhaps we could head back together?"

Er Tai barely stifled his laughter in time. That sounded like a recipe for disaster if he ever heard one. Xiao Yan Zi gave him a covert smile that made it _very _hard to keep a straight face.

Xiang Gui Ren did not seem to have heard what Xiao Yan Zi said, however, because her reply was entirely unrelated. "You went to see Huang Shang looking like that?" she asked, looking contemptuous.

This time, Xiao Yan Zi did roll her eyes. While over the years she had become a better sport at bearing the excessive fripperies that the palace required her to wear on occasion, she still preferred to do without it all as often as she could get away with. Considering Huang Shang's first glimpse of Xiao Yan Zi was after she had spent most of the morning climbing a mountain, rolling in dirt and her face twisted in pain after having been shot by _his_ arrow, it probably didn't matter much how Xiao Yan Zi looked when she came to see him on any given day. Er Tai could understand her amusement at Xiang Gui Ren's disdain and yet he could also understand how girls like Xiang Gui Ren would never be caught dead approaching Qian Qing Gong with so little adornment and fine clothes as Xiao Yan Zi.

"I did not dress to impress Huang Shang, if you must know. But even if I did, I would not dress like you," Xiao Yan Zi said with a sweet smile. Then, before Xiang Gui Ren could make any reply, she said quickly, "The steps of Qiang Qing Gong is hardly the place for this conversation. We are keeping Huang Shang from seeing Fu Daren."

Then, not caring whether Xiang Gui Ren followed her or not, Xiao Yan Zi walked away. Xiang Gui Ren, after another huff at Shun Gong Gong which did not move him to allow her entry against Huang Shang's wishes, left as well.

Er Tai now turned to Shun Gong Gong. "Is that…normal?"

"I would not know, sir, this is the first time I have seen them together," Shun Gong Gong replied, looking carefully nonchalant.

"Shall you save me the trouble of interfering in Huang Shang's domestic affairs and tell him of this yourself?" Er Tai asked.

"I think," Shun Gong Gong said carefully, "Yi Fei Niang Niang would prefer I do not."

Er Tai smiled slyly. "But you do not work for Yi Fei, do you?"

"Indeed I do not."

On that note, he left Er Tai to step into the study to see Huang Shang.

* * *

A couple of days later, Xiao Yan Zi leaned back in her seat at Qian Qing Gong and asked, "Have you met Xiang Gui Ren?"

Yong Qi didn't even look up from his writing. "And by _met_, you mean what, exactly?"

The corner of Xiao Yan Zi's lip twitched. "Whatever meaning you want."

There was a short silence where his writing brush stilled. Then:

"Yes."

He did not elaborate on which meaning he was talking about either, but then if she wanted to know, there were records kept on such matters. She could look at the record book and it would be less awkward than asking him.

So instead, she asked, "Impression?"

There was another pause. Then, he placed his brush down and looked up at her with a slight smile. "There's no real nice way of saying this. She is…exceedingly dull."

Xiao Yan Zi snorted with laughter. "_Nice_."

"I mean, I wasn't expecting to fall in love with her or anything!" Yong Qi said, laughing as well. "But clearly it was also too much to ask that she could at least hold an interesting conversation."

She sighed. "You just want them all to be like Huang Hou."

"That would defeat the point. Maybe I just want them to be like Shen Chang Zai."

Xiao Yan Zi half-smiled but didn't reply.

He turned more serious, however, looking at her intently. "You will tell me if she bothers you, wouldn't you?"

She tried hard to sigh. "What did Huang Hou tell you?"

He shook his head with a small smile. "Nothing. Though is she supposed to tell me something?"

"No," she said immediately, knowing that he probably would see right through the too-quick answer.

"_Xiao Yan Zi_."

Trying another tactic, she scoffed, "You really think I am capable of suffering silently if she bothers me? As if I wouldn't complain your ears off if she really annoyed me."

This answer made him chuckle. "I suppose. But that doesn't mean that she has been very nice to you and you have chosen to not tell me about it."

"What makes you say that?"

"If Huang Hou knows something, and considering she must have seen the two of you together a few times now, she does, and still does not tell me, then it is surely because you ask her not to. But Xiao Yan Zi, Huang Hou isn't the only informed person around here."

Xiao Yan Zi groaned and threw a dirty look at the door, knowing the source of her annoyance was right outside it.

Yong Qi simply smiled at her disgruntled expression. "If you don't want me to find out about things, maybe you shouldn't display them right outside my door."

"Every door is your door," she grumbled.

He shrugged, but apparently wasn't willing to let her drift away from the subject.

"Since when did your people become such tattle-tales anyway?" she asked, wrinkling her nose.

"I think that is rather unfair, seeing as Shun Pei was concerned about you when he told me about Xiang Gui Ren's – and I quote – unacceptable rudeness – end quote, towards you."

"I guess she has been flippant with him, too," Xiao Yan Zi said.

"Well, that, too."

She sighed. "I'm starting to think I'm sounding like I protest too much when I say Xiang Gui Ren's attitude problem _really _doesn't bother me. But everyone keeps making it out to be a huge deal."

"It is a rather big deal, Xiao Yan Zi."

"Not to me. Okay, fine, I get that it sets bad precedence and whatnot, but for me? It's not a big deal. I wish someone would believe me when I say I'm not losing sleep over her. If I allowed myself to get that worked up over someone like her, I would have gone crazy a long time ago. Believe it or not by now I've learnt that there are some who aren't worth getting worked up about. Especially when you've just told me you don't particularly like her either."

"So you don't want me to intervene?"

"_No_," she answered, pressing. "And if I am ever in a position to feel threatened by her, then I think we have bigger problems than just her attitude."

It was a sort of security that a few years ago, Xiao Yan Zi wouldn't have thought possible. Now, she realised that if she could allow herself to feel threatened by others – not just Xiang Gui Ren – it would mean that something had gone so fundamentally and phenomenally wrong between Yong Qi and her that the others themselves would be the least of her problems.

This confidence was still strange to her sometimes. In these moments, she realised how very frightening it still was to love someone enough to place your heart into their keeping and expecting them not to break it, knowing that if it was broken, you would never be whole again.

He seemed to accept her assurance, however, and did not press the matter further. Still, he gazed at her for a long moment, then left his table to come and seat opposite her. Then, he reached over the table between them and caressed her cheek gently. "Xiao Yan Zi?"

There was something in his voice that told her whatever was coming wasn't about the matter they just discussed any longer.

"Yes?"

"If you have known all this was the future before we were married, would you have gone through with it?" There was a softness in his voice that showed a vulnerability that he rarely, if at all, allowed to show her before.

Xiao Yan Zi tipped her head at him curiously. "_Honestly_?"

"Yes."

She sighed. "No, of course not."

He gave her a tight smile. "I suppose I did ask for honest."

She grabbed his hand before he could pull it away. "I was also an idiot at that age."

Yong Qi shook his head. "You weren't."

She smiled indulgently. "Only you would say that."

She wondered how long the question had bothered him, how much it had taken for him to ask her now. It was a question that she had thought about too much these few years as well, and despite the less than flattering, but truthful answer, she still knew she didn't regret where she was now.

Looking down at their entwined hands, she said softly, "Yong Qi, the reason if I'd known this future, I wouldn't have married you then wouldn't be because I didn't love you. It would be more because this future would have scared me too much."

"Scare you?"

"That I could love you so much that I would put up with all this. Back then, I wanted to love you, but I also wanted to love you on my terms, so that it was convenient for me. I think knowing this in advance would have caused me to walk away. I think, though, that I would then regret it for the rest of my life."

They have never taken the easy way with anything, and the road leading to the serenity with which she looked at her life now was always rocky. They both have given up and fought too hard – with the world and with each other – to get to where they were. She did not want to disturb the calmness that was so hard to come by with wondering what could have been.

It would have been easy to leave, but she couldn't help but think she was better off now as she was. It took her years, maybe, but she had finally understood that he needed her, but she also needed him just as much. For all perspective that she gave him, he had also taught her to trust: trust that she deserved to be loved as much as he loved her, trust that she had the right to be vulnerable sometimes, to not always have to depend on herself, and to be secure in the knowledge that those who loved her would always stay with her. Through him, her impulsive edges were smoothed, and she came to appreciate the finer points in life which were not always as bothersome as she would like to think them; through her, his world-view was widened and he made happy and given unbridled joy.

Perhaps this was the thing that neither of them could ever have anticipated in that first moment of meeting each other. They have both been changed so profoundly for the better by each other and it was that, more than any other happiness, which made the struggles they went through to have this present worth-while.


End file.
